Why 90% of Singles Choose Conversation Over Sex

It makes for a striking headline: most people would rather spend the night talking than having sex. That’s the takeaway from a recent study sponsored by dating app Plenty of Fish, and it may surprise you.

But ask yourself this question: what does a relationship mostly consist of, sex or conversation? As I see it, lack of healthy communication is a more common cause of divorce than sexual issues. You will learn more about a person over the course of a 3-hour chat than if you spent that time in bed (unless you were talking the whole time).

Why Older Women May Be Attracting Younger Men

Unless you’ve been on a remote island for the past ten years, you’ve probably heard the term “Cougar.” It’s a provocative term that conjures up an image of a hot, sexy, martini-holding older woman typically throwing herself on an innocent younger man. As a self-proclaimed Cougar and host of the Internet channel: The KarenLee Poter Show, about dating and sex, I’d like to share the truth as to why Cougars are the prey rather than the predators.

A little personal background: I became a widow several years back, and found myself thrown into the single’s world. After being married for 24 years, I was ill prepared for this new life. The first time I heard the word in reference to me, was in a restaurant in New Haven, Connecticut. I was sitting at the bar when a group of younger guys approached me. One brave soul named Aaron asked, “Are you a Cougar, my friends think you are?”

This was the beginning of a six-month long distance relationship, which admittedly was mostly sexual, but nonetheless exactly what I needed at the time. Aaron was enthralled with my openness, confidence, lack of inhibitions, and sexual expertise. I began to notice a trend when I’d go out with my divorced or widowed friends, which was that nine times out of ten, the guys who hit on us were younger – much younger. This was also the case with the men who reached out to me on on-line dating sites.

Here are reasons why I believe some men are attracted to older women.

Older women have self-confidence both mentally and physically. They’ve been through many life passages and have learned how to accentuate their strengths while minimizing weaknesses. Guys don’t have to constantly validate an older girl’s looks or accomplishments; they simply enjoy being around the energy of a self-assured person. This confidence helps in the bedroom too. What’s more fun than being with someone who knows what they like and aren’t afraid to ask for it?

Older women don’t play games. They know the deal going into the relationship and express their concerns from the get-go. When I met my boyfriend, I told him the first night that if he was looking for kids, he was barking up the wrong tree. A Cougar won’t try to manipulate a guy to be her next husband or “forget” to take birth control. Younger guys who want to focus on their careers love the no-nonsense attitude about older women. You’ll never find an older woman ignoring a younger guy’s text just to make him wonder if she’s interested in him. She’s way past those days.

Older women are independent. This means she won’t “need” a guy to take care of her financially or emotionally. Most likely she’ll have a career or money saved. She’ll want to be with the younger man for companionship and sex – not his money. This is liberating to a man who’s just starting to be self-sufficient.

Older women are experienced. Guys want to be educated by a woman who knows her own body and what will turn a man on. Younger men love a Cougar’s uninhibited ability to verbalize her needs in sexually and are eager to accommodate them. Future girlfriends will forever be grateful for the lessons learned.

Older women are nurturing. They’ve been through relationships and realize past mistakes. Older women live in the moment and aren’t looking for future fathers for their children. The relationships can be less demanding and more fun.

The only issue I must warn younger men about is this: Once you’ve been with an older woman, you may become addicted.

In the meantime: Happy Hunting!

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The Science Behind Why “Friends With Benefits” Doesn’t Work

Question: If a sexy, trustworthy male friend were to offer you this situation, and you hadn’t yet found your forever guy, what would you say? With many women spending significant portions of our lives single, the “friends with benefits” arrangement can sound ideal. And yet, factually speaking—it’s probably not.

The Thirst-Quencher?

Drive reduction theory shows that when we have an increasing physical need—like sex—then our motivation to meet that need also rises. So if we are horny, we might be motivated to get up off the couch and shave our legs and put on a sexy outfit and hang out someplace where hot men tend to hang out.

Unless of course, that thirst has already been quenched by lots of sex through a “friends with benefits” situation. Then it becomes much too easy to spend our nights eating pizza in front of Hulu until our boy toy arrives.

What’s In It For You?

In repeated studies, over 75% of women say they have an orgasm every single time if they’re with a committed partner—yet that same percent of women says they don’t orgasm with more casual flings.

Um, bummer.

Chemical cocktail, anyone?

Ever wonder why pleasure from sex toys can leave you feeling a little unfulfilled, compared to the physical and emotional satisfaction of sex with a partner? Drugs. Our bodies produce an abundance of chemicals in anticipation of and in response to sex—creating mood-boosting properties similar to anti-depressants.

And the more often women have sex with any one partner, the more of this Chemical Bond-O our bodies release. Meaning? We get stuck on partners even when we don’t want to.

And so, the scientist in me recommends the following:

Ask yourself the following three questions:

  • Are you one of the ¼ of women who can actually have casual sex and not get attached or hurt?
  • Are you among the minority of women who will be sexually satisfied without an emotional bond and/or commitment?
  • And if your FWB is gloriously capable of bringing you pleasure, will you still be motivated to do all the work of finding the right man for you?

If you answer all three questions in the affirmative~great! Use condoms, use your head, and have fun.

But if you’re like most women and answer No to even one of those questions, we’re back to sex with ourselves while looking for The One.

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do (2015), which is available now. You can get a free chapter and see more at http://www.lovefactually.co