Here’s the thing. We all love a good compliment from the right person. Heck, we love a good compliment from any person. I’m sure there are people out there in the world that don’t get a small high from being complimented – I have yet to meet them. But, here’s the other thing. So often women are primarily given compliments centered around the way that they look (mind blowing, right?!) Which, if we’re all being honest, can be great; it’s a good thing to take pride in the way that you look and when that is recognized, it feels good – flaunt your stuff!
Love isn’t meant to be complicated or painful. It shouldn’t take an extreme habit or behaviour for anyone to realize that they are either ill matched or in a toxic relationship.
Whilst some people can change over time due to circumstances or unaccounted for baggage, there are almost always sure signs to tell if someone is right for you.
Dating successfully is about being able to identify the difference between someone who will add value to your life and someone who will hold you back.
No one wants to invest time and energy into someone who is going to let them down, so here are 9 red flags to look for early on:
Communication is lacking
Are you sending novel texts and they’re giving one word answers? Yikes. Are they taking their sweet time between responses and very rarely initiate the conversation? If someone can’t put in the effort required to communicate from the beginning, they already don’t value you.
They are critical of your every move
Either they pull you apart or always seem to put you down. Even if it’s only a joke, someone you are dating should be lifting you up right from the get-go. If the person you’re dating comments negatively on your physical appearance or can’t be proud of your successes and accomplishments, you MUST let them go. You deserve so much better than this.
Levels of respect don’t match
With a relationship comes respect for one another, whether that be their space, time or boundaries. Lack of respect for another human being is a huge insult. Where there is little respect, there is immediately a lack of trust or growth in a relationship. Don’t let someone else determine your worth, especially if they can’t even see their own.
It’s not easy
If you are feeling anxious, confused, or like you’re trying too hard to make it work early on, chances are this isn’t the one for you. Being fabulously single and taking your time to find the right one will be worth it in the end. When you find them, your first thought should be “well this is refreshing and effortless!”
Sex is brought up…alot
Sex is a great thing, but if you notice your date brings it up really early on and frequently, chances are their mind is on one thing and one thing only. Perhaps they are looking for a friends with benefits vs. a long term commitment.
Their plans always change
You have a date scheduled for Thursday, but they text you that something has come up last minute (zero details included of course.) This could be because they are making you an option instead of a priority. Another option beat you out and they chose to take it.
You can’t trust them
They’re inconsistent – their words do not match their actions or vise versa. Or maybe you have a gut feeling that just won’t go away; trust is integral to a relationship, even in the beginning so don’t ignore the signs and the power of intuition.
They have a wandering eye
Cheating starts in the mind and heart before it even becomes physical. If you don’t feel like the only man or woman in the room when you are with them, then it could be an indication that they aren’t wanting to full commit.
They won’t delete their dating profile
HUGE red flag! If they still want to have an active profile online, it’s because they aren’t willing to commit and want to keep their options open. Even if they say they aren’t ‘active’ on it, it warrants the question as to why then do they feel it necessary to still have it at all?
No one wants to know that they are at fault for why their relationships are falling apart. I mean sure we aren’t perfect, but are we purposely self -sabotaging our love life? If you are constantly finding yourself single and disappointed, then perhaps it’s time to look at what you may be doing wrong.
Here are 8 mistakes you could be making in your dating life:
1: You are choosing the wrong people to date
Chances are if you keep finding yourself in the same situation, then you must be dating the same type of person over and over again. Sure, we all have a type, but make sure that ‘type’ is also someone who values and treats you well. It’s one thing to be attracted to certain physical traits, but it’s altogether another thing to not look beyond their appearance and take into account their character. If you can identify where you are going wrong, then try and choose consciously to date someone that is going to be better for you.
2: You are giving off mixed signals
They don’t know whether you’re coming or going, and this is probably because you don’t know either! Make sure that you are whole and happy before you start your search for love. Have a clear idea of what you want in a partner and how much you are willing to invest. Playing games or being hot and cold, will only bring confusion, frustration to both people involved. You don’t have to play games to win at love, so be open honest and transparent.
3: You have unrealistic expectations
We all want the fairy tale, but it doesn’t always look how we can imagine it to in our heads. When you go on a date make sure you are enjoying and staying present in the moment, instead of ticking off boxes in your head. Have a good idea about what you want and need in a relationship but remember to be flexible and realistic.
4: You keep settling for second best
This is because you haven’t learnt just how much you are worth. When we successfully love ourselves in a healthy way, we are then able to set the bar for how we let others love us. Don’t date out of loneliness, fear or desperation, make sure you are happy and complete before you put yourself out there. Know where boundaries need to be placed, and the difference between compromising and settling.
5: You get too serious and attached too fast
We live in a fast-paced instant society that wants everything yesterday! Take your time to get to know someone’s character and intentions before you let them into your heart. Good old fashioned courting means that you can get to see just how serious your date is about wanting you in their life.
6: You keep bringing up the past
Talking about your past relationships or hurts is not going to help your present or future love life. This isn’t about denying what has happened but rather choosing the right time in a relationship of when to talk about it. As a rule, you should never discuss ex’s in detail on a first date. Make sure you have fully healed and let go of your last heartache before you embark on a new relationship.
7: You’re trying too hard
Whilst it’s great to be active in finding love, there also needs to be a point where you can be overdoing it. No matter how bad you want to find the right one, make sure you are choosing quality over quantity. Serial dating only leads to frustration and confusion. Try not to overwhelm yourself, by taking time in between dates and not dating just for the sake of it. If you are on the hunt, your suitors will sense it and probably run for the hills. Make sure you are at peace within yourself and also able to enjoy your time alone.
8: You’re not trying hard enough
And then on the other hand you may not be active enough. Love isn’t going to turn up on our doorstep, we need to create opportunities to invite it into our life. This might be as simple as setting up a dating profile, or expanding your social circle. More than likely you will have to get out of your comfort zone. Remember the golden rule, dating is only as complicated as we allow it to be.
“When is he going to ask me out?”
is the top question I get from women about men’s texting. These women are frustrated. They are confused. They are wondering why you asked for their number if you only wanted to know what they had for lunch. So stop vague-texting, and do this instead.
I cannot overstate this: Texting is a trap.
When people are texting, they make mistakes that are then used to judge the entire person, ending relationships before they’ve even begun. Yes, truly. Tone of voice and the relating of a conversation smooths over such mistakes. Plus, calling is now so retro—especially for the under-30 crowd—that dialing a number is the equivalent of highlighting your interest.
And to win a woman, you have to show open, obvious, clear interest.
If calling feels like overstepping, text to request a call: “I would rather call than text, if you’re okay with that. Is there a good time?” You can always revert to texting if she says she’d rather do it that way.
If you’ve asked, “So, wanna hang out sometime?” you may be hoping she will finish the job and ask you out. But as recently as 2012, 88% of women still weren’t initiating dates.
Women have always valued men’s confidence and responded to cues that make us feel secure; it’s an evolutionary thing. Technology has not changed our wiring. Your hesitation could be because asking makes you feel vulnerable, but that is the point: in asking, you are giving a powerful cue and an enormous compliment by risking yourself for her. It’s heroic.
So ask her out to a specific event, at a specific time and place. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, just clear and definite (and ideally, also fun): “I’d love to take you roller skating next Friday at three at [location]; does that work for you?”
Spontaneity is cool—in a long-established relationship. But a woman you don’t know isn’t your fallback plan. Show respect by asking ahead, and by not keeping her living on the edge hoping for an ask.
When you ask at least two days ahead, it sets you apart from the crowd—and there’s a crowd! If you like her, so do other guys. You want to be the one giving her all the good feels, not one of the pack taking her for granted before the relationship has even begun.
Confirm your meeting the day before. Otherwise, you’re getting associated with feeling insecure—a risky move if you like this girl.
What if you’ve changed your mind? Say so, at least two days ahead. “I’m very sorry, but I’ve decided to make different plans for Saturday. I wanted to give you time to make another plan of your own.” She won’t like it, but she’ll like it more than being stood up.
Upshot? Repeat after me: confidence and security are woman-bait. Ask with clarity and confidence, which will help her feel secure. And prevent my in-box being clogged with questions about your vague texting!
First, second, and even third dates can be made awkward for a variety of different reasons but lately the question of “who pays the bill?” has been the topic of conversation among my single friends, men and women alike.
I caught up with a friend over coffee and she confessed she was back in the singles pool and actively dating again.
Exciting? Very. Awkward? Extremely.
Gabbing about our latest dating experiences, my witty, outgoing, gorgeous friend surprised me when she admitted she was at a loss for words on her last date. She said,
“The date was going great, both of us in the groove, conversation flowing, but then my anxiety crept up at the very end when the waiter looked down at the two of us and asked, “will this be together or separate?” I froze instantly. So many thoughts whirling in my mind…Do I grab my wallet? What if he puts his card down first, do I put mine on top? Do I argue with him? When do I stop arguing with him? Do I offer to pay half? Do I sit and say nothing? I got so awkward! I didn’t want him to think I was expecting him to pay the full bill!”
My friend went on to tell me she has gone as far as buying gift cards to restaurants for dates, telling her date it was a present from a friend, just to avoid the awkward method of payment at the end. This way they were “both” getting treated…
I realized quickly this was a problem for my friend and most likely other singles attempting to navigate the uncharted realms of the dating world.
Expectations can vary among daters, but I have always stuck to a couple guidelines before heading on a date to keep me in check.
Never assume the bill will be covered
The majority of first dates I have been on, my date has covered the bill but this isn’t always the case. Whether it be drinks, dinner or a movie, I have never expected my date to pay the full bill. When the check is placed on the table, pull out your wallet. If your date says they’ve got this one, thank them politely, put your wallet away and say you’ve got the next one, if you want a second date that is.
Always carry cash
Take money out prior to a date just in case you two decide to split the bill. If your date only has card, let them know you have cash and have no problem going halfsies! Cash in your wallet is also helpful at old school restaurants that refuse to take card! I have definitely found myself in that awkward situation before.
Talk about it
I would reserve this conversation for the fourth, fifth or sixth date when you have established some sort of exclusivity. I think it is really important to understand each other’s expectations and dating style early on. The rule that has worked best for me in the past is going date for date. For example, if I treat my boyfriend to a date night on Friday, he will get the next one the following weekend, so it becomes an equal playing field.
I want to know how you choose to pay the bill?! Together or separate?
With Halloween fast approaching, many singles are still scrambling to score a date and last minute costume inspiration. As a resident dating expert at PlentyOfFish, I have the scoop on the spooktacular tips and tricks that are necessary for all singles before this year’s anticipated fright night!
Horror Movie Marathon
Get into the mood with a horror movie marathon! Fortunately this year, Halloween falls on a Saturday, which means you can actually check this one off your list! Not sure what to watch? The movie Halloween has been produced 10 times, so invite a couple friends and pass around the candy corn! Watch the evolution of Mike Myers starting from 1978 to his final resurrection in 2009.
Creative costumes are a conversation starter!
Don’t settle on the “sexy” cop costume that is guaranteed to make an appearance at least 8 times at the party. This is the perfect opportunity for you to standout! Rather than boosting up the ladies with a push up, try to be original, funny or creative! A costume that doesn’t expose your assets, highlights your confidence and will inevitably spark up conversation. Even if no one knows who you are dressed as, it gives them all the more reason to approach you and ask.
Get out there or don’t…
Halloween is the one holiday that caters to all ages! If you are looking to hit the town, you are in for a treat! Almost every club or pub will have live music, dj or dress up contest. Pub crawls are the best option for singles because the opportunity to meet a much larger pool of people is possible. If the first bar doesn’t deliver, move onto the next! “Halloween is a great excuse for a night out or to host a party of your own!” states our very own PlentyOfFish user. For the quieter type, there is no harm in staying in and handing out candy to trick or treaters, because you may just open your door to a hot “single” mom or dad that you can playfully flirt with.
Say hello to the man/woman behind the mask
Don’t be turned off by those hiding behind a mask or bulky costume. A little mystery can be intriguing! Take the time to approach these people. This is a great way to get to know someone’s personality before anything else. Once you’ve broken the ice, the mask may come off and reveal a pleasant surprise.
Don’t drink the whole punch bowl
If you are looking to make a great first impression with a group of fellow singles, it is very important that you pace yourself when it comes to the witches brew! I recommend starting the evening off with a beer, cider or glass of wine. Try choosing a drink with a lower alcohol percentage and stick to it for through the course of the evening. Everyone is different in terms of how much they can consume before the tipping point, so make sure you know your own tolerance before saying yes to the hard bar. If someone offers to buy you drinks, which in many cases they will, make sure you keep track of what you are consuming and stick to the same alcohol you started the evening with. This will eliminate poor judgement and a nasty hangover the following morning.