Signs Your Single-Self May Be Too Picky

“Why are you still single?” – is a commonly asked question that is essentially a backwards compliment. It implies “Wow, you’re great, why doesn’t anybody want you?”

The most common responses are:

“I just haven’t met anyone I have chemistry with.”

“The one I wanted got away.”

“All the good ones are taken.”

I think the best response would be, “None of your business!” The only person who needs to know the real reason you’re still single is you. But do you know? If you’re frustrated with being single and want to find a lasting relationship you need to honestly admit you may be doing something wrong. It starts with the choices you make.

4 Signs You’re Too Picky

  1. Your physical requirements for a partner are hard to find

Do you require a guy who towers over you, and you’re 5’9? Or require a girl who’s a size 2 and half your age? Maybe it’s someone with blue eyes, a full head of hair, or supermodel looks? If you do find someone who fits the exterior requirements do you ignore all the red flags and put up with bad behavior because you’re so physically attracted?

  1. Your behavioral expectations are non-flexible

Do you have strict rules and expectations for how your lover should treat you? Like needing a lot of attention, communication, affection, or other specific action? I’m not recommending you lower healthy boundaries, but if you can take care of your own needs and go with the flow a little more you’ll get a better response.

  1. You’re pining for a previous love and comparing everyone new to that ex

Don’t allow your past to prevent you from having a great future. If you’re still holding on to hope that the amazing relationship you once shared with an ex is going to come back you’re standing in your own way of happiness, and wasting precious time.

  1. You have a friend you think is amazing but you’re just not attracted to him/her

A lot of my clients tell me they have a friend that would be perfect for them if only they found them attractive. Well, your thoughts create your feelings.

Time passes more quickly as you get older and years can very easily slip away. Ask anyone you know who is over 45 and still single if they wish they had been less picky. Then ask yourself if you would rather be alone for a couple decades or even the rest of your life than share it with your best friend, having fun, creating a family, and loving their slightly less than ideal qualities. I’m not talking about settling, I’m suggesting to change your perception. Think about what causes you to feel positive or negative about everything. So if you think you may not be attracted to this wonderful person in front of you, play around with the idea that you could be. Fantasize about being together and having that chemistry you crave; you can create it.

The passionate first three to six months of any relationship are impossible to recreate on the daily. It’s after that elation ends that true love begins. If you’re tired of the roller coaster of finding that chemistry and losing it, start looking for your best friend.


The Better Way To Breakup

Hurting someone’s feelings is never easy but if you want to end your relationship it’s the compassionate thing to do. In fact, the more final you can be the better.

People hear what they want to hear. If you try to sugar coat the breakup your soon-to-be ex will focus on the good stuff and won’t let you go. When hope lingers boundaries get blurred, and emotions get complicated. That’s why a lot of people just disappear, like a ghost, to avoid any emotionally messy situations. However, ghosting someone frequently does leave you open to being haunted because most people need answers. Abandonment anxiety causes otherwise rational people to behave in some pretty needy ways.

You can avoid future heartache and keep a clear conscious by being proactive now.

Eliminating Hope 

Understanding what went wrong and killing all hope for a future together is the way to get over a breakup. So with that in mind, be compassionate but firm and speak your truth. Standing up for yourself raises your self-esteem (which makes you more attractive). Consider breaking up practicing emotional intimacy. Couples commonly have their best conversation as they are ending a relationship because they have nothing to lose, they can finally be honest about their feelings.

It’s Not You It’s Me

The old, “It’s not you, it’s me” is the best approach. No need to make anyone feel bad about them self, just confess how you feel the relationship doesn’t work for you. Pointing out things your partner needs to change implies you want them to, and they’ll probably ask for the chance to try. (Remember, eliminate all hope) Be strong by asserting that it takes two, and that you are done trying. It’s cruel to leave the door open even a crack. There is no harm in acknowledging what a great catch he or she is for someone else, just be crystal clear that person will never be you.

Speak in Person

It’s best to have the conversation in person but on the phone is fine too. DO NOT send a text message or email unless you are too insecure or too selfish to have an actual conversation. If he or she starts yelling hold strong boundaries and end the conversation. Wish him or her luck and express your need for a clean break to move on with your life (cutting all contact). You are not friends and you shouldn’t try to act as you are. That will only prolong your ex’s feelings for you and create false hope of reuniting someday. You don’t want to stand in the way of their happiness.

Act with Integrity

Acting with integrity will make you feel better in the long run, and help you have better relationships. What goes around does come back around because like attracts like. As you get healthier, healthier people will be more attractive to you and vice versa. As you move on from one relationship the lessons you learn about what does and doesn’t work for you will help you make better choices in dating.

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Are You In Love or Infatuated?

Love at first sight is a very romantic notion and can feel absolutely real when you meet someone amazing and feel intensely attracted to each other. But the saying should be connected at first sight because true love doesn’t begin until that “I can’t get enough of you” euphoria starts to fade.

It’s tricky because what can feel like love is actually just hopeful thinking. Your thoughts create your feelings, and let’s face it; it’s really hard to find great chemistry. So when you passionately connect with someone it’s very exciting, and as women you have warm and fuzzy hormones being released that perpetuate loving feelings. However, you don’t really know each other yet. At this stage you have physical and sexual intimacy, which is how falling in love begins, but without emotional intimacy it’s just infatuation.

Emotional intimacy naturally grows during the first two months of a new relationship by talking and spending time together, by becoming part of each other’s lives. During this blissful time any issues you have are subconsciously suppressed. Some people call that putting on your best behavior, but you simply don’t know what you don’t know. You may be falling in love; or you may never get past the infatuation stage.

The unfortunate reality is that most relationships only last three to six months. That’s when the hard part begins; it’s the make it or breakup phase. It’s the time that your subconscious issues start to make their way to the surface. They either clash and tear you apart or deepen emotional intimacy and bond you together.

True love requires trust and feeling safe to disclose secrets and deeply personal information. That’s easier said than done for people with unhealed wounds from past relationships and their childhood. Jealousy, insecurity, fear, or anxiety all make emotional vulnerability scary for such people, so they erect an emotional wall for protection. Sadly it also shuts good people out. Relationships need to move forward or they eventually fall apart.

If you are soul-mates you’ll discover you have commonality, which means you have the same ethics, values, and goals. Everyone always thinks opposites attract but that’s only on a superficial level. At your core like attracts like. It takes two similar minded people who are fully committed to creating lasting love; which means treating each other with respect, and sticking together through the good, the bad, and difficult. When love is real it feels easy.

So when you connect with someone great enjoy every moment of those magical first two months, but keep your feet solidly on the ground to avoid breaking your own heart. Keep your thoughts in the present and do not fantasize about your future together. Visualization is very powerful and your thoughts can perpetuate loving feelings and create unrealistic expectations, throwing off the balance of your relationship. Most importantly, don’t allow yourself to get caught in a state of limbo where you feel love for your partner but you don’t feel deep emotional love in return. You absolutely can find better.