Breaking up with someone and being broken up with can be equally devastating. Every day feels like a marathon of emotions – sad, angry, numb, relieved…and repeat. The emotional roller coaster of ending a relationship with your best friend is exhausting and sometimes leaves you in bed or lounging on the couch for days. There are certainly ways to get you back to feeling like yourself and today I’m going to share with you my favorite activities that have always somehow made me feel a little better after heartbreak (and don’t worry, they’re not all physical activities.)
Breaking up hurts—for real. The part of the brain that registers the pain of a break-up is the same area that registers physical pain. The more rejected, abandoned or ignored you feel, the more activity you will have in the anterior cingulate part of your brain, which also registers physical distress. Your pain is physiological and it can be excruciating for sure.
But here is the good news: There are definite proven methods to beat the blues! Use these tips:
The infamous break up conversation – we hate it, never seem to be prepared to have it, and always exit it with so much left unsaid.
Ever wake up in the middle of the night, after a tearful conversation, because your brain finally thought of that epic one-liner or comeback to all the points laid out by your ex during your breakup convo? Unfortunately for the person being broken up with, you only have a few minutes to process everything your ex has been lucky enough to meticulously prepare. And what’s worse, is when the conversation is sprinkled with the following phrases…
There is almost no way around it, breakups are awful. Whether you are initiating the breakup or are at the brunt of it, it’s just not fun. Often, when going through a breakup, we experience a roller-coaster of emotions, all of which basically take us through the 7 stages of grief – an understandable fact after presumably having your heart shredded by another human.
As the New Year rolls around and we make dramatic changes in our lives, many re-evaluate their relationships and decide to end them. It’s never easy and as Neil Sedaka wrote, “Breaking up is hard to do,” however…there are really bad ways in which to let go. The best way to break up is obviously to be honest and compassionate.
Here are some of the worst ways to break up with someone:
This is a chicken’s way out. A discussion is warranted, even if it’s a brief phone conversation. See #2.
The Phone Call
Better than texting, but still not as good as face to face. A phone conversation isn’t that personal, especially if you’ve been together for any length of time. Ask yourself, do you owe it to the other person to look him/her in the eye and communicate exactly what you’re feeling? Most of the time the answer is: YES.
The ultimate “f**k you” is “ghosting”, and shockingly 80% of millennials have been ghosted, according to PlentyOfFish data! The Urban Dictionary defines it as “the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating but no longer wishes to date.” This leaves the ghosted person flapping in the wind and if you ever see him/her again, you better run.
Having your partner come home to an empty house not knowing where you went is just straight up wrong.
Being caught in the act or hearing about it from others fosters a lot of negative Karma. As we all know, Karma’s a bitch, so think before you act out of character. If you want to be with other people, tell your significant other right away. If it means the demise of your relationship, so be it. Sounds easy? It isn’t, but it’s the right thing to do.
It’s not you, it’s me!
Oh just stop it! Come on, no one believes that. Yes, the root of your dissatisfaction may come from you; however, you need to explain that in more than 5 words. Pull the Band-Aid off and tell the truth!
Lying. My mother always told me, “Go with the truth”, and it has served me well. If you don’t have the same feelings any longer and want to break it off, don’t make up some phony excuse, just to get out of telling the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, but in the long run, it’s the best way to do it.
Instigating a fight
This would fall under the heading, “passive aggressive behavior”, which is not a mature way of handling any situation. Starting a fight in hopes the other person will take the hint and break up with you, is immature. Take the high road and engage in an honest conversation. There is no right time to bring up the breakup talk, so stop waiting on the next fight to end things.
Telling other people first
Don’t tell your friends or even worse, change your Facebook status to “single”, prior to telling the soon to be Ex. If you want to end it, give the person first hand knowledge. No one wants to learn of their breakup through 6 degrees of separation!
As Marilyn Monroe stated, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Breakups are part of life, but doing them in the right way will never fail you. Want to hear more discussion on sex and relationships? Check out my YouTube channel: KarenLee Poter and Podcast: Sex Talk With My Mom.
Hurting someone’s feelings is never easy but if you want to end your relationship it’s the compassionate thing to do. In fact, the more final you can be the better.
People hear what they want to hear. If you try to sugar coat the breakup your soon-to-be ex will focus on the good stuff and won’t let you go. When hope lingers boundaries get blurred, and emotions get complicated. That’s why a lot of people just disappear, like a ghost, to avoid any emotionally messy situations. However, ghosting someone frequently does leave you open to being haunted because most people need answers. Abandonment anxiety causes otherwise rational people to behave in some pretty needy ways.
You can avoid future heartache and keep a clear conscious by being proactive now.
Understanding what went wrong and killing all hope for a future together is the way to get over a breakup. So with that in mind, be compassionate but firm and speak your truth. Standing up for yourself raises your self-esteem (which makes you more attractive). Consider breaking up practicing emotional intimacy. Couples commonly have their best conversation as they are ending a relationship because they have nothing to lose, they can finally be honest about their feelings.
It’s Not You It’s Me
The old, “It’s not you, it’s me” is the best approach. No need to make anyone feel bad about them self, just confess how you feel the relationship doesn’t work for you. Pointing out things your partner needs to change implies you want them to, and they’ll probably ask for the chance to try. (Remember, eliminate all hope) Be strong by asserting that it takes two, and that you are done trying. It’s cruel to leave the door open even a crack. There is no harm in acknowledging what a great catch he or she is for someone else, just be crystal clear that person will never be you.
Speak in Person
It’s best to have the conversation in person but on the phone is fine too. DO NOT send a text message or email unless you are too insecure or too selfish to have an actual conversation. If he or she starts yelling hold strong boundaries and end the conversation. Wish him or her luck and express your need for a clean break to move on with your life (cutting all contact). You are not friends and you shouldn’t try to act as you are. That will only prolong your ex’s feelings for you and create false hope of reuniting someday. You don’t want to stand in the way of their happiness.
Act with Integrity
Acting with integrity will make you feel better in the long run, and help you have better relationships. What goes around does come back around because like attracts like. As you get healthier, healthier people will be more attractive to you and vice versa. As you move on from one relationship the lessons you learn about what does and doesn’t work for you will help you make better choices in dating.
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