40% Of Men Are Turning Down Sex…For This!

By Nicole Weaver for YourTango.com

Once again the myth that men are always trying to score is busted!

Not a soccer fan but your partner is? Bad news: you might not be getting much action until the winner of The World Cup is announced, all thanks to a poll from Durex. You may be shocked, but it turns out that a surprising amount of men will much rather put on a jersey, go to a bar and root for their favorite team than have sex with you. This probably won’t be a problem for couples who will be painting their faces in their team’s colors together, but partners who are more inclined to sex will probably have to wait until after July 13th for more intimacy.

The poll found that 40 percent of men will refuse sex in order to watch a game. They also found that 42 percent will also try to finish quickly so they can return to watching the match. Something that will help your chances in getting your sports lover to participate? Letting the TV stay on during the act! That’s right, 37 percent would suck it up and have sex if they’re also able to watch the game during the act. How romantic!

We decided to go out and see what makes The World Cup so much better than sex. Here are three reasons why they claim it’s worth turning down sexy time.

1. “The World Cup is special because it doesn’t happen often.”

“It’s simple. The World Cup is once every four years. Sex is always available,” says Michael S.

“The World Cup takes over my life because it happens only once every four years. Sex is something that will always be there,” says Miah M.

Another guy disagrees saying he won’t put soccer before sex, but he understands why other men do.

“I wouldn’t say the World Cup is better than sex. I can see why people say that though. It only comes around every four years and it is one of the biggest sporting events in history,” says Ethan B.

2. “A win is more powerful than an orgasm.”

Needless to say, our following fan really romanticized the sport.

“Soccer, at least, international soccer, is better than sex because when you score in sex, at least one, MAYBE two people are satisfied. When you score at the international level of soccer, a whole nation becomes satisfied. The tense, exciting buildup of sex is far out passed by the tense building excitement to the final whistle in a World Cup elimination game. And the euphoria of sexual climax doesn’t hold a candle to the pure top of the mountain elation of winning the championship of the world’s most popular sport, putting your name in front of the eyes of billions on televisions and in history books. I’ve never had an orgasm do that,” says Zach S.

3. “The World Cup brings so many people together.”

Of course sex does bring people together but not on the scale of The World Cup, according to Jose.

“The World Cup is better than sex because it’s an opportunity for everyone to unite and wear their colors proudly. There aren’t many other things out there that bring people together like the tournament,” says Jose D.

Is the World Cup better than sex? Tell us what you think in the comments below.

This story originally appeared on YourTango: Not Tonight, Honey: 40 Percent Of Men Would Skip Sex For This!?

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Is How You Talk Turning Him Off?

By Kylie McConville for YourTango.com

There aren’t many guys roaming the earth who’d honestly define their type as the superficial and super-naïve Cher Horowitz from Clueless. The valley-girl persona has always been associated with a narrow world view and, well, talking like you’ve hiked up the Kardashian hill has always made you look a little ditzy. But apparently, all that’s about to change. According to new research published in The Journal of Language and Social Psychology, people who use “filler speech” are actually more conscientious than we’ve ever given them credit for.

One possible explanation why people who fill their sentences with “like,” “uh,” “um” and “you know” are miles ahead of the rest of us in terms of thoughtfulness? Researchers write that “conscientious people are generally more thoughtful and aware of themselves and their surroundings. When having conversations with listeners, conscientious people use discourse markers, such as ‘I mean’ and ‘you know,’ to imply their desire to share or rephrase opinions to recipients. Thus it is expected that the use of discourse markers may be used to measure the degree to which people have thoughts to express.”

But has your valley-girl-turned-thoughtful way of expressing yourself been working against you when it comes to date invitations? We asked guys to dish on what he really thinks of the way you talk.

“I’m listening to what you say and how you say it.”

Adam, who’s 26, says that there’s nothing worse than a girl who’s unsure of herself — and who lets you know it in the way that she talks. “Guys listen,” he says, “whether girls believe that or not. And we’re not just listening to what you say, but the way you’re saying it. For instance, I dated a girl once who would ALWAYS use ‘you know?’ as a filler. When she was nervous, she’d use it more. So when she first met my parents, my best friends, my coworkers, everything was ‘Hi, I’m Nicole, you know?’ and ‘Adam’s a really great guy, you know?’ It was a broken record you just couldn’t get to stop — and I was really embarrassed.”

David, 29, agrees. “I’m not saying that I don’t use fillers either, because I definitely do and it’s something that I’m becoming more and more aware of, but when you use them nonstop, it just makes you sound stupid. You could be the smartest person in the world but when you fill your conversations with ‘like, um’ every five seconds it makes it really hard to take you seriously.”

“Some girls think that guys want to date someone that’s really ditzy and isn’t very sure of herself,” says Cole, 33.

“They think that they need a ‘protector’ and someone to ‘safely show’ them to the world – and it’s not true. Personally, I don’t like it when girls try to sound like they’re not as educated or not as smart as they really are. You are smart. You are educated. Own it.It makes you sexy.”

“How you talk doesn’t really bother me.”

“I’m from Georgia,” says Jackson, 26, with a sweet Southern twang  “so I’ve been around a lot of girls with really think accents. And in the South, we talk really slowly and we sorta savor the words. It’s something that’s absolutely different in the North, where everyone talks faster than lightning. That said, I’ve never really picked up on girls who use fillers a lot or who say ‘um’ more than they should. If they can keep up with my drawl, then I don’t really care about the way they talk.”

“I’ll be the first to come clean and admit it,” says Raphael, 27, “I’m one of those guys who says ‘like’ a lot. I blame my generation – it’s just what we do! So when a girls says it, it doesn’t ever really bother me. If I called her out on it, she’d probably do the same for me. That said, though, my girlfriend hates how much I lean on the phrase. She’s always like, ‘retell that story and stop using fillers!’ I can see where she gets frustrated ’cause sometimes it detracts from what I’m saying, but it hasn’t ever really bothered me.”

Guess it’s not all in the lips, huh?

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: What Guys Really Think Of…The Way You Talk

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My 94-Year-Old-Grandmother Gave Me The Best Sex Tips

 

Note: This beautiful love letter is written by Andrea Zimmerman to her late grandmother, and first ran on angiecat.com

Dear sweet, sweet, beautiful grandmother Bette,

By this point, I’m sure you’ve joyously reunited with Grandad, Aunt Dot, and Uncle John and you’re filling them in on the last few years over a few draft beers. ‘Atta girl. Have one for me and tell everyone I’m healthy and happy and started a blog, okay? (You can call it a journal if they’re confused, I won’t tell.)

As I was looking through photos of you – and my goodness, Grandad was a lucky guy, Grams! – I stumbled across a 20-minute video I had taken of you a few years back. You’re sitting in Grandad’s old baby blue La-Z-Boy, talking, oddly enough, about the value of your car (“Only 49,000 miles, mint-condition, and if one of you grandkids wants it, you’re going to have to pay me face value!”). You didn’t realize I had pressed record.

It was shocking, at first, to hear your voice streaming from my computer, knowing I’d never ever be able to hear you tell me that the ‘country is going to hell in a handbasket,’ when you asked me to explain things like Justin Bieber or sexting or the thong that sometimes crept up over my jeans. But as you continued talking, only pausing to ask me what that horrible smell was (it was my perfume, you hated it, typical blunt Bette) it suddenly seemed normal. Like I was just sitting across from you as you called out crossword clues (PSA: A crossword a day is the key to longevity, screw apples) and offered me Big Red chewing gum and expired Aldi’s brand diet soda. (Confession: I could never bear to tell you it was expired, so I always politely took a few sips, then hid the rest of the cans in my car to throw out on the way home. Forgive me.)

In the last conversation I had with you before you passed, I promised you I would keep your memory alive. Your voice was so weak – you had just woken up – but you responded, ‘I know you will, Andrea.’ So in that spirit, I hope you don’t mind that I’m sharing a few gems from our conversation. (Knowing how willing you were to dish out advice – solicited or not – I figured I’d have your blessing.) You truly were a woman ahead of your time.

ON NOT TALKING ABOUT “IT”:

Your grandfather shielded me from some things. I think he thought he was protecting me. When I would go with him to these cosmetic conferences – he worked in the cosmetic business – I can remember driving home and saying, ‘Hey Paul, you know that couple sitting at the bar? Do you know that they were gone for a good hour, hour and a half together?’ And Paul said, ‘Bette, just don’t pay attention to that.’ I said, ‘Well, how can you help but miss it?’ And he said: ‘I know, but we don’t talk about it.’ And I said: ‘We don’t? By God, something’s going on between those two!’ And he said, ‘Alright, Bette, I think there is too, and everybody else thinks there is, but we don’t talk about it.’ And I said, ‘Oh, I’m not even supposed to talk about it with you?’ And he said: ‘Well, of course, but I didn’t think you had noticed!’ And after that, I think he gave me more credit when it came to, you know, matters like that. I’m certainly not the dumbest woman to ever walk down the pike!

ON CHALLENGING GENDER STEREOTYPES:

One afternoon, Paul opened the door for his father with a dish towel in his hand and his father said, ‘Paul, that is not a man’s work. Put that dish towel down.’ And I stood there and I didn’t say mum, but when we came home, I said, ‘What did your dad tell you? That it’s not a man’s job to dry dishes?’’And Paul nodded. And then I said: ‘Well, well, well Mr. Zimmerman, here’s a rude awakening for you because I am not drying your dishes.’ But you have to realize, Andrea, it was a different time. Your grandfather was raised that work was a man’s job and anything having to do with the house was female. Well, not in my house.

When we went on our honeymoon in 1946 and got to our hotel in New York, Paul put his suitcase down and I said, ‘Aren’t you going to unpack?’ And he said, ‘My mother always did that for me.’ And I looked at him, in shock, and said: ‘Not anymore, Paul. You unpack your suitcase and I’ll unpack my suitcase.’ And when he opened his suitcase, would you believe, everything had tissue paper between it! I said, ‘Paul, did you pack that suitcase?’ And he said, ‘No, my mother packed it for me.’ And I said, ‘Remember when I told you I wouldn’t unpack your suitcase? Well, I’m certainly not going to pack your suitcase either! You know what clothes you want to wear and YOU pack them.’ And, Andrea, by golly, he did from that day on.

ON 50 SHADES OF GRAY:

When I see your grandfather in heaven, I’m going to talk to him because we never had that kind of sex! I think if Paul read that book, he’d think, Oh my gosh! I’m sure that men in that day didn’t spend 30 minutes wondering if we were pleased. In our day, it was strictly vanilla, wham-bam-thank you ma’am. The man had any right whenever he felt like it, whether she felt like it or not, and she would never deny him. Today, it’s much more equal and Andrea, let me tell you, that’s the way it should be. You make sure that husband of yours understands that.

ON THE KEY TO HAPPINESS:

Andrea, that’s one thing about me. I’ve always chosen to have a positive outlook. I didn’t have that many bad things happen to me but even if I did, I never chose to reflect on the bad things. I chose to remember the good things, and because of that, I’ve had a very good life.

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Why You Shouldn’t Criticize Your Partner (and advice on how to stop)

By Mary Ellen and Jerry: For YourTango.com

During our private retreats almost every couple complains about an overly critical partner and shares how suffocated they feel having their every move being under surveillance. Both men and women suffer the stresses of intense scrutiny from their partner.

If unaddressed, living with a highly critical and/or judgmental person can be one of the most detrimental relationship dynamics. Unhealthy criticism undercuts the basic cornerstones of good relationships: the feelings of safety and approval. Its corrosive effect often makes vitality or spontaneity impossible. There are three common outcomes of a highly critical relationship:

  1. The shell of self-protection: To survive the criticized/judged partner, he or she may crawl under a shell of self-protection. Some develop a defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved.” They may feel the need to shrink their personality in order to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.
  2. Distancing: This is when a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from where he/she responds as if they’re far away in a polite way. Friends, work, children, exercise, texts, instant messages, ipads, facebook, screen games, television, books and newspapers can serve as buffers. So can withdrawing and becoming emotionally unavailable. The partner preserves him/her “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away.
  3. Substance abuse: To survive emotionally, the criticized partner numbs the pain of involvement with his/her partner. Substance abuse as a coping mechanism usually leads to further deterioration of the relationship as well as a host of other serious problems.

Most of what we know about relationships, we have learned unconsciously at a very young age from our families. If we had a critical parent, we might be critical ourselves or couple ourselves with a critical person. Perhaps we employ the common survival tactics described here. Unfortunately, our early history and learned behaviors often do not encourage happy, healthy relationships.

The good news: Human beings are intelligent and malleable. With knowledge and awareness, we can change and adapt. Here’s a simple way to get started on the road to change.

For one week observe the interaction between you and your partner. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is one of you highly critical?
  • Does the critical partner complain of lack of closeness or attention?
  • Does the criticized partner act remote and distant or find excuses to disengage?
  • How frequent are the criticisms? Are they “justified” or petty attempts to control, demean, or change what you don’t like about your partner?
  • Is the critical partner selective about criticism, choosing only what is important?

At the end of the week, if you find that you are the “critical” partner, decide to stop your criticism. Count to 10, breathe, bite your tongue, do whatever you need to do to stop. Work at accepting your partner, even annoying traits, harmless bad habits, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.

You will not change your partner. I repeat, You will not change your partner. Make this your new mantra. Observe any behavior changes in your partner. Is he/she more present, lively, open or spontaneous? Does he/she interact with you more and seem more relaxed?

If you are the “criticized” partner, become aware of and stop your coping strategy. Do you withdraw, distance, drink, work late, disappear into a screen? Decide to stop coping and object each time your partner criticizes you. Be brave, summon the courage, and be firm.

Say words like, “My feelings get hurt when you criticize me about X or Y. I feel that you don’t even like me.” Stand up to your partner each time you hear criticism. Tell him/her how badly it makes you feel. Say with conviction: I can no longer tolerate criticism from you. Be calm and intentional. Be persistent! Everyone deserves to live in a criticism-free environment even those of us who are not perfect.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and changing deeply rooted behavior patterns is hard work. Take heart, with persistance you can re-root a new, more attractive behavior. Be consistent and you’ll be surprised how quickly the poison will disappear from your relationship. Life is too short to live with criticism.

This article first appeared on YourTango.com:

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Revealing The Unknown Date-Ruiner (And 5 Ways To Avoid It)

Feel cranky for no reason? You may just be hangry!
Have you ever found yourself suddenly so mad at a person (or the world at large) and have no idea why? And it seems to have come out of nowhere, leaving you irritable and exhausted from all the intensity?

Now, let’s thicken the plot. Let’s suppose you’re on your way to a first date with someone you’ve been communicating with for a few weeks (and you think you really like him). And here you are with this crazy “mad” feeling and you’re afraid the irrational anger is going to compromise the date.

It’s as if your evil twin has taken over, because you don’t normally act like this (and you definitely don’t want her showing up on this date). Believe it or not, this topic has come up more than once with my coaching clients. I’ve spent time doing detective work with clients in an effort to better understand what’s really going on.

Over the years, I’ve learned to not dig too deep too quickly. Instead, I start with the simple things. Because – you’ll never believe what a common cause of irrational anger actually is – it’s hunger!

I was pleased to hear this discussed in World News Tonight with Diane Sawyer this month. In fact, a new word has showed up around this very topic. The word is “hangry.”This segment talks about how it’s not uncommon for married couples to get into a fight when they’re hungry. Researchers at Ohio State University looked at over 100 couples with marriages averaging 12 years, and found there were definitely links between levels of blood sugar and feelings of aggression.

Put simply, when blood sugar levels drop, aggression levels tend to rise. Then, when people eat and their glucose levels come back up, they have fuel for their brain to exercise self-control over those “mad” feelings.

The focus of the “hangry” study was on married couples. However, as a relationship coach, I can guarantee you that this problem can be applied in many more situations – for example with your boss, with the driver in front of you, and, unfortunately, it can occur on a first date.

So, what are some good steps to take to short-circuit hangriness? You’ve already taken one. You’ve become aware.

You’ve just learned that when your anger goes from zero to 60 in five seconds or less, it might be because you’re hungry. The trick is, when you feel the beginnings of an out-of-proportion upset feeling, remember to do the hunger check-in. (Just checking in can take some of the initial charge away).

Here are 5 steps to prevent being hangry:

  • Once you realize you’re hungry, eat something. Keep snack bars in your car, purse or briefcase. And, even though it might be easier, try to not resort to sugary foods. Eating fruits and whole grains are the best way to keep your blood sugar in balance.
  • Consider setting an alarm (on your watch or phone) to ensure you eat meals at regular times. People always comment when my 1 p.m. cell phone alarm goes off. I can get so involved in my work I forget to eat. So by setting this alarm, I’m helping myself feel my best at 3 p.m. instead of crabby.
  • Especially on days when you have a first date planned, pack something to eat during the day. Cut up vegetables or fruit, make a half sandwich, pick up a yogurt or smoothie, etc.
  • Suggest your date be for lunch instead of dinner. This way you’re sure to eat during the day.
  • Make sure you eat breakfast that morning.

The hangry concept is also good to remember when another person suddenly gets mad at you for no good reason. It could be helpful to check in with them to see if they’re feeling hungry. And if they are, share one of your whole-grained snacks with them!

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