Keep it Urgent To Maintain Momentum

Ever see that movie where the woman chases the man, convinces him to love her even though at first, he wasn’t even attracted, and ultimately wins his teary-eyed yes to her marriage proposal?

Me neither. And that’s not just because of gender-typed scripting; it’s due to global, well-documented differences in mating psychology.

One of those differences? Men have the right and the burden of pursuit. Literally, when guys are considering a permanent mate, they’re turned on by a woman who is hard to get for him—assuming she’ll be hard to get for all the other guys too. It’s about paternity assurance; it’s about status; it’s about making a permanent life choice. A true human mating universal.

Let’s say you’ve had a terrific first date. When should the guy follow up?

The ideal answer is, right away. The real answer is, when he wants to–without your prompting.

Now I don’t like this. I wish we could all do whatever we want, whenever we want, and wind up with the love of our lives. But I’m all about the science, and scientifically speaking, that’s not the way to bet. We are animals, and like other animals, we have a mating ritual. We have inherited psychological mechanisms that help us choose a partner, and the wise heterosexual woman learns those mechanisms and sends signals that create urgency.

Here’s what that looks like: He leads. You follow at a pace considerably lagging behind his.

And here’s what that looks like:

He texts. You wait a day to respond.

He calls. You wait a day to call back.

He asks you out. You say yes only if he’s given you a couple days’ lead time, and only if the time and place are workable for you; you do not accept behavior that effectively says you have no life, no standards, and no self-respect.

He calls you after the date. You answer with warmth in your voice and say you had a great time. He is the one to suggest another date, though, and you’re the one who gets off the phone first.

But let’s say you really liked him—and he doesn’t call for a week, or ever again. Don’t reach out to him. Research shows that when men like you, they will reach out; when they don’t, they’re really just not that into you, or they are into you only for the short-term and only if you make it super easy for them.

Sound manipulative? It’s no more manipulative than what research indicates women are doing right now: giving men everything—time, intimacy, home cooking, wife-level commitment before he’s even said the word ‘girlfriend’—thinking that this will make him love you.

And in my opinion, this is much less manipulative. It gives you the space you need in order to carefully and appropriately vet a long-term partner, and it gives him the freedom he needs so he knows whether he is working to have you—so he’s not with you out of guilt.

Yes, guilt. I’ve had a practice for over a decade where I help men and women apply social science to their love lives, and a top theme is men who can’t figure out whether they want to be in the relationship they’re in, because the woman drove the relationship from start to finish.

These men have sometimes taken years of time from the woman they know they’re never going to marry—years they would have spent elsewhere if they’d had the space to connect with their own desires.

So it’s true: men value what and whom they work to have. And most are good people, wanting to make you happy—which ironically makes them easy prey for guilt and thus for wasting your time.

Want a sense of urgency, so you can be fully and completely chosen? Step back. Let him chase you.

It’s better for your self-esteem. It’s better for your emotions. It’s the opposite of manipulative. And it’s better for the guy—who gets the joy of winning your heart and hearing you say Yes to one very important question.

Playing Games Won’t Get You Anywhere

It’s a natural instinct to try and protect ourselves from being hurt. Let’s face it, finding love puts us in a vulnerable position. When we put our heart on the line there is always a chance that it could get broken or rejected. It’s this fear that then causes us to start to heighten our defenses and play games to try and stay in control.

However, when there are games involved, it means there will always be a loser. It doesn’t matter whether you are female or male, playing games is never going to bring you long- term happiness. In fact, it’s going to block the right person from feeling like they are welcome in your life.

So here are a few tips on why it’s time to just stick to chess and give love a real chance:

1: Shutting people off will leave you lonely

When we start to toy with people’s emotions, it will automatically make them shut off. They will start to withdraw for fear of being hurt or rejected and in the end, you won’t be left with anyone. Love takes vulnerability and that means risking a certain part of your mind and heart in order to let someone in. Game playing will only discourage the right people from wanting to get close to you.

2: Playing games ruins trust

Here’s the thing, you need to be consistent and transparent when you start dating someone, as this is what builds trust. If you are acting like a yoyo with your emotions or sending mixed signals then your dates won’t know where they stand with you. How can you expect someone to open up and have confidence in you if you are constantly breadcrumbing?

3: Being a player attracts the wrong type of people

It will only be a matter of time before the player gets played. If you put out a certain behaviour, then you will attract a similar one back. If you want to have a healthy, strong and loving relationship then you need to decide how you want to be perceived and how you are going to act.

4: Playing games is counterproductive and a time waster

If you are on a mission to break as many hearts as you can, just so you don’t get yours broken, then you need to stop and think long and hard. By fooling around and being dishonest to yourself and the people you hurt, you are not only wasting their time, but you are wasting yours as well. Eventually all of this will catch up to you and you will be left wondering if it was all worth it in the end. So save yourself the time and heartache and allow yourself to let people in. Love isn’t always easy but it’s definitely worth it.

Love Lessons Learned From Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber, the Canadian singer-songwriter and my soon-to-be husband, if he’ll have me, is best known for his Billboard topping singles Sorry, What Do You Mean and Love Yourself.

The 23 year old poet continues to master the composition of producing a catchy tune, and in so doing, provides us with lessons about love…yes that’s right, LOVE.

Prepare to be made a Belieber today, as I take you through the top Love Lessons Learned from Justin Bieber:

Let’s go back to the very beginning of The Bieb’s repertoire.

Eenie Meenie 

She’s indecisive She can’t decide She keeps lookin’ From left to right. Girl, c’mon get closer. Look in my eyes, Searching is so wrong, I’m Mr. Right. You can’t make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind. Please don’t waste my time, time, time, time, time

Lesson Learned – When looking for the right match, know what it is you want, so you don’t waste your time or someone else’s by being indecisive. If you’re not ready for a relationship, that’s okay, but be clear in your intent early on to avoid any miscommunication.  

Justin feels strongly about this point and reiterates it in his more recent hit – What do you Mean – a story of a man struggling to understand whether his partner wants to go left or right in their relationship.

Be decisive – Thanks for the tip JB!

Don’t Kiss and Tell

And what we do keep it just between us, I don’t wanna see you tweet about J.B. cause, The only people that should know is you and me.

Lesson Learned – You’re dating someone new and want to tell the whole world you’re no longer single. Justin advises it’s best to take it one step at a time, and keep your relationship status off social media until you know you’re in it for the long haul. Try maintaining some sense of privacy in your love life and whatever you do, don’t air your dirty laundry on Facebook. Yikes.

That Should Be Me

That should be me That should be me Giving you flowers. That should be me Talking for hours. That should be me (that should be me) That should be me That should be me Never should’ve let you go I never should’ve let you go.

Lesson Learned – Ugh…that moment you see your ex in the distance with a new boyfriend/girlfriend and as go to hide in a bush, all you can think about is how that ‘should be you holding his hand.’ Bieber understands your pain. Breakups are hard and sometimes we don’t know how great our partner is until we’ve decided to let them go. Think twice before making a decision you may regret down the road. 



If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go I can take you places you ain’t never been before Baby, take a chance or you’ll never ever know…Swag swag swag….Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue I don’t know about me but I know about you So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag

Lesson Learned – A good boyfriend/girlfriend should want to spend quality time with you and ‘chill by the fire while eatin fondue,’ Justin emphasizes in between the word swag. If you’re date isn’t willing to give you the time of day, it’s safe to say they aren’t worth pursing. 



Sometimes the heart can see what’s invisible to the eye All you gotta do is listen to your deepest feelings They don’t ever lie… ….If you want the best for us Like I want the best for us Then we gotta learn to trust right now

Lesson Learned – Trust is a must says JB! Every healthy relationship, including the one with yourself requires it. In order to successfully put yourself out there, you must be able to ‘listen your deepest feelings’ and trust your instincts. 

The next time you find yourself caught up in a dating blunder and at a loss for answers, think….what would Justin Bieber do…

Tackling Your Fear Of The Inevitable Break Up

Most of us know what it feels like to be rejected or broken up with, so it’s no wonder that we can be hesitant about inflicting that same emotion on someone else. However, staying in a relationship either out of guilt or fear is no way to live. Like anything in life, the best decisions we can make come from emotional intelligence and rational . When we allow anxiety to control our actions and relationships we invite an endless cycle of negativity into our life.

Love is a journey and finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with is a process. We often think we should stay with someone just because we have already spent so much time with them. We use our emotional investment and history with them as justification for putting up with being unhappy. We get comfortable.

But here’s the thing, you shouldn’t have to settle for someone just to keep them happy or to have an average relationship. So here are a few tips to getting you confident and brave enough to break it off:

Look at the bigger picture

Most of our anxiety starts when we overthink all the details instead of just seeing the bigger picture. When should I break up with them? What will they say? How will they react? How should I say it? and so on. Yes, people will get hurt along the way and it’s not going to be an easy process, but everyone has the ability to move on. You can’t get stuck in the moment and make up a list of empty excuses as to why you shouldn’t let go. Whether you are feeling guilty for hurting that person or are scared about what the future holds, you have to try and put everything into perspective and see beyond the initial break up.

Know your worth

If you are in a toxic relationship and feel utterly exhausted from the daily fight with your partner, then it’s even more of a reason why you need to call it quits. Don’t forget about what you want as well, and if you are not fulfilled or happy and your relationship is tumultuous, then it’s time to break free. Focus on building up your self-love and confidence so you can have the strength to say goodbye.

Take it a day at a time, but have a plan

The best way to tackle a fear is to have a plan of action. This means creating a practical solution for a problem. If you are struggling or fearful about ending your relationship then chances are you won’t just randomly wake up one day and do it. Keep a time frame in mind of how long you will wait, but don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. Instead start to build daily habits and choices into your life that will helpgive you the courage to do it. Whether it’s focusing on self-love, or having a financial back up plan so you aren’t stranded. Good preparation will make the whole process a lot easier and take some of the stress away.

Hold yourself accountable

Lastly, it’s important to surround yourself with good people who inspire, encourage and support you. If you know you need to end your relationship because it is unhealthy or unfulfilling then make sure you tell the right people so they can keep you on track. With fear also comes excuses, so connect with people in your world you will keep you accountable to your happiness.

Practice Makes Perfect – First Date Etiquette

A right swipe has led you to another first date. Or maybe you met each other through friends or serendipity. However the plans were hatched, you need to be prepared. Yes, first dates are thrilling and adventurous, but they can also be the stuff of nightmares…or meme legends.

Don’t go into any first date without doing your homework. Plan ahead—and don’t forget an exit strategy! That’s right… just in case it isn’t working out. Then again, magic could happen. You really never know when (or why) sparks fly.

Regardless of how the night goes, there is one unfailing, cross-generational, simple rule: Remember your manners!

Your first date could be fantastic, horrible, blah or absolutely hilarious. No matter how crazy the date or how perfect the person, etiquette is still everything.  And some simple manners might just lead to another date (if you want one!):


No, I’m not suggesting you let your date know every fine detail about your location before arrival. But if you’re running late, please shoot over a text or give them a ring. Also, if you’re at a concert or crowded venue, make sure you don’t lose each other.

Chivalry isn’t Dead…So Open the Door

Oh, the knight in shining armor…be still my heart! Or not. Life isn’t a fairy tale, and not every chica (or chico) wants to be rescued. Still, guys, it doesn’t hurt to be a gentleman.

A man who holds the door is charming. I’ll tell you, it kind of makes me blush a bit…but in a good way. A man who holds the door open is outwardly displaying that he’s looking out for you. The guy who lets it slam in someone’s face? Yeah. Not a good catch.

Woo with flowers…gentlemen

Bringing a bouquet of flowers will make a great impression. Although, bringing a dozen (or more!) roses might look a bit like you’re over-reaching. So opt for unique blooms. Try daffodils for spring. Sunflowers or bright Gerbera daisies are cheery and a cute pick for a first date flower bouquet.

Self-Care Goes a Long Way

And, please, please, please….remember to shower and groom. Not everyone finds that sweaty smell of testosterone sexy. And, ladies, not everyone loves your post-gym scent either. Body odor is not cool. Shower after the gym, please. And keep cologne and perfume use to a mild minimum! Your date will remember if you smelled like the first floor of Macy’s.


Be Real.

First dates aren’t necessarily the time to let everything loose. However, nothing is worse than faking who you are. To really understand if it’s a match, both sides need to give a little. This isn’t the point to let out deep dark truths, but it is the time to let your date know who you are and what you value.

Offer to Pay!

The dating world is equal when it comes to women and men. So, ladies, if you are a more traditional thinker, you might need to step out of your comfort zone. Meaning: always be prepared to split the tab. There are no firm guidelines here, and advice differs. Offer to pay half. If he (or she) objects, fine.


Stilettos? Opt for whatever is most comfortable! 

Wear comfortable shoes. Nothing orthopedic, but comfortable. Oh, ladies (or men, too!) super high heels can result in mishaps. And, let’s face it, some days are awkward enough without getting a heel jammed into a sidewalk crack.

Connect or Disconnect?

Bring your cell phone to a first date, as it can provide an easy out. However, don’t text friends, answer calls or check social media sites while on a date. Be considerate of your date and others around you. Snap selfies and pics if the two of you are hitting it off, though

How to Exit Gracefully…

Awkward date? Everyone has a horror story. To get out of a going nowhere meet-up, tell a friend to text you at a certain time to check in. Or take a trip to the bathroom to make a call or drop a text asking for help. Cosmo recommends faking an allergy or pretending to feel sick.

Always remember that first dates hold the potential for future love. This could be the beginning of something remarkable, something amazing. This date could be the beginning of forever. You just never know.