Hey, it’s hilarious comedian Chris Gordon here. I just finished doing push-ups while detailing my convertible cream Mazda Miata and wanted to let you know about the Facebook statuses that could be ruining your potential love life. Social media is a great platform to show the best of you, but the wrong status can really turn off a potential romance. While I towel off the sweat running down the creases of my abs please read this list of 5 Facebook statuses to avoid:
1. “I got my man parts caught in the garden again.”
People often post status’ that are too personal and too revealing. Sure we now know your love of gardening, but we also learned you are a freak and have a massive drinking problem. This type of status can come off as a big red flag to a potential mate and a cry for help.
2. “LA KUDBCVIAURKWV V IOHARVLKWRNV JKSBFVLJKAWBRA”
There are a number of possibilities for a status like this. Maybe, once again, your drinking has got out of control, or you never learned how to read and write but still want to be a social media mogul. None of these have a potential make out partner ready to jump your bones.
3. “This new shirt I bought from Costco is hella dope AND affordable. I’m turnt.”
Are you currently a new single dad that’s trying to fit in with the times? Are you a fancy aunt that likes bargains and makes her own deodorant? If you answered yes then this status is fine. It probably explains why you are at home Friday night planning out your outfits for the next workweek while watching a House Hunters marathon.
4. “God I’m so in love with my 28 cats. There’s Whiskers and Tobi and Jeremiah and Mittens and Whiskers Two and Sir Purrsalot and… I don’t even need another human being to be happy, I already have these fuzzy children.”
It’s better in this situation to express your love of animals with a little white lie. You have 2 cats, just like you have had 2 sexual partners (wink!).
5. “I don’t care what anyone says, Justin Bieber is a true artist.”
You are limiting your potential dating pool significantly here, unless you want to date someone without a soul or the ability to reason. The kind of person who thinks Coke tastes like Pepsi, someone who eats the black jujube at the same time as the other colors, an individual who prefers a laugh track when watching a sitcom, the human being that thinks it is okay to remove their shoes and their socks on an airplane and uses both armrests.
Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. All of these statuses were taken from my Facebook page over the past year. I’m 35 now and have never been married, but I do own a time machine so like whatevs, I don’t even give a care. My cats love riding around in the Miata and my stitches are healing from the garden incident. Some say if I keep it up I will never find the woman of my dreams, but I always tell them it’s like Justin Beiber and Jaeden Smith say, “Never Say Never”. I’ve never said never and never will say “never ever ever ever” – Taylor Swift.