Is Your Last Relationship Killing Your New One?

Your last relationship ended badly, unfortunately, as many relationships do. As much as we would like to believe that a particular relationship will last forever, relationships are finite and fragile. If you find yourself reeling from a bad breakup to find a slew of bad dates to follow, your last relationship could be killing your new one.

Don’t become bitter that you’ve had a bad relationship or two; this pattern of thinking is detrimental to the health of your dating life. If you are still feeling angry over the the fact that your last relationship ended out of your control, or that someone acted against your wishes, this is not an excuse to transport the anger. The past only belongs in one place: behind you.

What are 3, not-so-obvious signs that you could be killing your new relationship?

1. You Lump All Men/Women in The Same Category

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking that all men are the same, or that dating is so hard, or that women only care about money… you are guilty as charged! People are not all the same, and thinking this way is severely limiting. You have no idea who you could meet. Picking a bad apple once doesn’t mean that the whole field is rotting. You need to have the courage to dust yourself off and keep on pickin’ apples.

If you’ve experienced a lot of bad relationships in the past, guess what the common denominator is? It’s you. Maybe you’re choosing apples too close to the ground, or maybe you like the ones that are a little bruised on the outside. Whatever the reason is, take partial responsibility for yourself and the choices that you make. Give yourself some space to figure out what you’re really looking for. If you have a negative mindset towards dating, hold off on jumping back into the game and take some time to yourself. You can’t enter a new, happy relationship with a negative mindset.

2. You Feel Angry When You Think About Your Ex

If you are still caught up in the fact that your ex still has your favourite green sweater, or that they never reimbursed you for their $50 Christmas gift, you need to let it go. The relationship is done. You may think that feeling angry about your ex is completely acceptable and fine, but this is absolutely not the case. Holding on to a bad relationship isn’t healthy; being able to let go and mature from the experience is.

If you enter the dating scene with negative feelings about your last relationship, you aren’t giving yourself a chance to start clean and really see your dates for who they are. If you are still angry over your past relationship, you may dismiss someone’s good intentions with something your ex did.

Remember: Your last relationship ended because it was meant to end. It does not make the world a bad place. It does not make the dating world a treacherous war-zone. Learn to move on. Don’t become the person who can’t let go.

3. You Bring Up Your Ex On Dates

If you are out enjoying dinner with a new date and find yourself mentioning your ex, this is a big red flag. Past relationships are a sore spot. It’s not appropriate to tell a new mate about the rigors of your last relationship. If you are still experiencing pain from your last relationship and think that sharing it with a new date could serve as a bonding experience; this is erroneous. Baggage is the biggest kill-joy that exists in the dating world.

Bonus: You’re On a ‘Break’ With Your Ex.

If you are on any kind of break or trial separation, this is the worst time to try and find a new mate. The chances that your current, somewhat messy relationship killing your new one are very high. Sure, it’s been done in the past – but rushing into a new relationship is ultimately detrimental. Failed relationships give us a small window in which we can really take time for ourselves to reflect and think about personal goals. Trying to fill the void by wining and dining will not work. Have enough self confidence in yourself to be alone for a while, and if that isn’t entirely possible, now may be the best moment to strengthen that skill.

The 7 Deadliest Profile Mistakes

As someone who sees a lot of profiles on a daily basis; this is my gift to you. Do you feel that you aren’t getting the responses that you’d like? Are you attracting the wrong matches to your page? Peruse this list to make sure you aren’t making one of the 7 deadly profile mistakes.

1. Your photos are all selfies

The selfie obsession is a little weird. Sure, try to encapsulate your best features – but there is no need for the 6, almost-identical selfies taken in your bathroom. Not only are too many selfies boring, but they also make you look narcissistic. If you are leaving out shots of your whole body, you aren’t giving potential mates the full picture. If you know you are a little curvier, by all means have flattering pictures, but don’t try and hide what you look like.

DO have a friend take pictures. Show yourself being active. Be dynamic. Rollerblade. Show yourself playing chess. Hobbies will make you a much more interesting match.

2. Your interests are too ambiguoussideah2

You like sleeping? I like sleeping too. You eat? I eat everyday too!

3. You have too many pet picturessideah1

I love cats. You love cats. We all love cats. We also don’t want to see 5 pictures of Garfield. He’s cute, but your profile isn’t an advertisement for the pound.

4. You seem bitter

Does your profile have any of the following?

“Are there ANY good men out there?”
“I’m JUST looking… not ready to make a commitment unless you’re WORTH MY TIME!!!”
“I’m really down to earth, but if you message me asking about my red dress in the third picture I will block you.”

These are all some very deadly profile sins indeed. Keep your profile light and interesting. There is no need to be negative, and listing your pet peeves is immature and unattractive.

5. Your profile is too longsideah3

Your profile should read like a preview, not the entire book. It’s important to leave some stories to tell in person; you don’t need to give everything away. People will form their own opinions when they meet you, and their opinions will never match how you describe yourself.

6. You talk about your ex

If you’re not over your ex, you should probably take a more time to heal. Talking about your ex is one of the biggest buzz kills, not to mention it looks tacky.
DO talk about your ideal relationship. If you just want to test out the waters, feel free to say so. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, state it. No need to beat around the bush!

7. Your profession leaves a lot to be desiredsideah4

 

 

 

 

If you are putting forth a lot of effort to really connect with someone, please be sure to properly fill out your profile. Setting your profession to “Ask” or “N/A” is just plain worrisome.

Happy Fishing!

Why It’s OK to Date Mr.Right Now.

Mr. Right Now: Easy-Going. Likes to laugh. Knows your favourite kind of ice-cream. Your parents do not know of his existence. Has the ability to turn a mediocre night into a field day. Drinking habits are worrisome. His car is in desperate need of a tune-up.

He may comes in many different forms, but his casual demeanor is a universal quality. He knows how to have a great time, never flakes out on dates and doesn’t pressure you with any talks of a “relationship.”

You’re not exactly sure what kind of work he does, or if you do, you know he isn’t the most ambitious kind of guy. He never fails to make you laugh and doesn’t give you a hard time when you’re busy. He’s charming, easy to be around and completely drama-free. Even if wedding bells aren’t ringing in your head, he knows how to cheer you up when you’ve had a crappy day.

So why is it okay to date Mr.Right Now?

We sometimes find ourselves stumbling into quasi “relationships” that seem to work more out of convenience than anything else. Perhaps you moved to a new city and wanted to meet new people. Maybe you’ve found yourself back on the market after a long-term relationship ended. Whatever your reasoning, dating Mr.Right Now is a great way to improve your dating skills and have a gas. Who cares if you only see him once a week? He may not float your entire boat, but what’s wrong with paddling for a while?

This is not to say that you should spend all your time in mediocre relationships, but do not fret if you have something that kinda-sorta works with someone who is lively and respectful. Whether he’s an Elvis Impersonator, a painter, or a comedian who isn’t very funny, don’t feel scared to date outside of your comfort zone.

Dating Mr.Right Now is a great way to boost your confidence and wake up your inner vixen. Getting out, seeing the city or checking out the newest restaurants are all great ways to enjoy yourself.

Open yourself up to dating different kinds of people and experiencing relationships that don’t necessarily follow the ideal image you had in mind. It will give you life experience that will help shape your future dating decisions.

4 Dating Lessons My Mother Taught Me

 

My parents met in the early 80’s in the sea-side city of Vancouver, long before the age of online dating and cell phones. They left voicemails (how archaic), went disco-dancing and enjoyed the ease of dating in a less technological era.

So what dating lessons has my old-school, free-spirited Mother taught me?

Lesson #1: “Trust your gut.”

After their first date, my parents proceeded to spend every single day together. Eventually it came to a point that they couldn’t imagine not being together.

After two months and 2 days of dating, my Father turned to my Mother and said “How about getting married?” My Mother thought “Sure, never done that before!” 30 years later and they are still happily married.

This does not mean I am procuring you to immediately marry the person you have a couple of great dates with, but I am advising you to trust your honest feelings about someone. If someone gives you a “so-so” feeling after a long dinner with lots of conversation, chances are that they will never set your world on fire. Coincidentally if you walk away from a date thinking “wow, this person feels like my perfect partner,” then don’t try and adhere to any nonsensical “wait three days before texting” rules.

It’s also very important to remember that with age comes wisdom, experience and fine wrinkles. Wisdom and experience are two excellent tools that sharpen our skills at sensing exactly what kind of person makes a great partner.

Lesson #2: “Have zero expectations.”

My parents met on a blind date that my Mom almost cancelled on. Her reasoning? Her girlfriend who was setting her up was a known party animal. My Mom could only imagine what kind of ‘date’ her girlfriend would bring along. Fortunately for her, my Dad was a great guy and my parents both clicked.

Even if someone sends you perfect messages, has all the same interests as you, owns their own house and is a famous, travelling yoga-guru, it doesn’t matter. They could have something about them that could turn you off when you meet them in person. Consequentially, perhaps the person who doesn’t reply to messages right away is someone who just isn’t that into computers, but after meeting… surprise!

Keeping an open mind will make dating more fun and thwart any feelings of frustration or disappointment.

Lesson #3: “Dating should be fun.”

I remember running home and throwing myself on my bed, sad that a certain someone wasn’t calling or answering their phone. (Looking back I see what a blessing this was.) I remember sharing a certain quote with my Mom:

“I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay”
― Sara Evans

She threw me a bewildered look at said “what the hell are you going on about? You’re 18 years old. You’ll get over it”

My Mom professed that she only had one dating rule: dating had to be fun. No obsessing over someone who couldn’t be bothered to show common courtesy. No madly dialing an ex-flame from a blocked number at 2 o’clock in the morning. It doesn’t mean she didn’t experience heartbreak, just that she had the sense to buck up and move on.

Dating shouldn’t be the drudgerous task we commonly hear it described as. It should be enjoyable. It’s not going to be perfect and not every date will be a romeo, but hopefully you’ll be able to eat some decent food and have a few shareable stories!

Don’t force yourself to date new people just to heal a heartbreak, don’t desperately try to connect with people with whom you don’t share common interests, and in respect to all things holy, do not force yourself to drudge through a date that isn’t buzzing in any kind of way.

Lesson #4: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before meet your Prince.”

Ahh, the clichè of all clichès! I heard this saying so many times throughout my younger years that I’m already saying it to my unborn daughter.

“My first boyfriend had a greasy ponytail and rode a motorcycle. I think you can relax a little bit,” my Mom would tell me. (I was a very emotional 18 year-old.)

My Mom went out and fully enjoyed herself in her 20’s. She surrounded herself with great people, focused on her career and didn’t obsess about finding a mate.

“I was 23 years old! Are you crazy? There’s no way I was even close to setting down!” – My Mom’s response after I asked her why she didn’t marry any of her previous boyfriends.

This rule may not be true for everyone, (I’m looking at you, high-school sweethearts) but for the vast majority, it’s true: people change and grow, resulting in the very popular “phase-dating” among the younger crowd. Sometimes you need to date a frog to really see how wrong someone can be for you. When you have a strong concept of what doesn’t work for you, you will have a stronger sense of what will.

Don’t fret that Mr.Right Now isn’t everything you hoped he’d be, but say yes to every blind-date you’re invited to!

Dating In Your Early 20’s VS Late 20’s

Ahhh, the first years of dating. How exciting! You meet cute “potentials” in bars, spread your number like a common-cold, and frequently revel in the admiration of your many adoring suitors. Four dollar beers at a dive bar? Sure! Watching a crappy comedy show? Count me in! Hosting a beach BBQ? I’ll be there in an hour!

The dating period in your 20’s are marked by an unprecedented sense of enthusiasm. You’ve finally left the awkward teenage years of your life behind, free to spread your young, “I’m-almost-a-professional” wings!

Here are 8 key differences between dating in your early 20’s vs your late 20’s.

Standards:

Early 20’s: Wow! A BMW? Sa-weeet. What a slick looking car. Wait, it doesn’t really matter that they text continually throughout our date and make frequent bathroom breaks… this free food is delicious!

Late 20’s: You drive a BMW… and you’re being secretive about your “profession”? You’re either doing something illegal or driving daddy’s car. Move to the right, kiddo. I’ll wait for the well-mannered engineer driving a Jetta.

Late-Night Dining:

Early 20’s: Dinner with friends at 8:00pm, then I’m meeting… crap. What was their name again? Oh right, Todd! Drinks at the Tao at 10:00pm with “Todd”… I can always ghost if he’s lame, cause it’s Friday and there are a million things going on.

Late 20’s: 10:30pm on a Wednesday night? Who the hell is this person?! I’m Netflixin’ at that time, not to mention I have an 8:00am meeting at work. Please – get real buddy.

Finances:

Early 20’s: I almost paid my rent on time this month!

Late 20’s: Maxed out your 401k/RRSP and you’re a homeowner? Now you’re really turning me on.

Conversation:

Early 20’s: Who needs great conversation when martinis are on special?

Late 20’s: I’ve got a 1 drink rule. If you’re still boring by the time I finish my first drink, I’m out.

Personal Appearance:

Early 20’s: Time it takes to get ready: 2 hours 52 minutes. Apply 40 minute cleansing facial mask. Shower and exfoliate. Apply self tanner. Wash, blow dry and straighten hair. Apply scented body lotion with glitter. Attach fake lashes and contouring foundation. Change outfit 4 times. One drink for confidence and I’m ready to call a cab!

Late 20’s: Wash my feet in the sink at work before leaving.

Paying the Bill:

Early 20’s: There is NO way I’m touching that bill. They want to invite me to this fancy place, they better be ready to pony up.

Late 20’s: My date is freakin’ hilarious! The second round is on me.

Eagerness:

Early 20’s: I’ve dated an electrician, a lawyer, a college freshman, a gardener, a trust fund baby, a bartender, a comedian, a construction worker, a singer, a security guard and a mechanic… all in the last 3 months.

Late 20’s: I’m allergic to bad conversation and take drastic measures to prevent potential flare ups.

Tolerance for Crap:

Early 20’s: Wow.. they was really rude to our waitress. Oh well, they were probably having a bad day.

Late 20’s: Wait. Did you just call my career “drab” because I work in an office? Get ready for an earful and the shortest date of your life.

Dating in your 20’s is all about exploration and making mistakes. We all have that cringe-worthy ex, or that slew of horrible dates we endured while on our path to “finding” ourselves. Your third decade of life is all about finding someone who can match your zest for life and keep up with your wicked sense of humor.