You’re making six digits and have the designer wardrobe and trendy apartment to show for it. You’re owning your corporate game with a CV that would make any recruiter salivate.
You date endlessly, but the outcome is always the same: a handful of dates that seldom progress past the exchange of formalities. You’re ready for a real relationship and you’re craving an authentic, deep connection.
This should be easy. After all, you are independent. You are empowered. You are a catch.
So why then, are you still single?
First, let’s make it clear. There is nothing wrong with being single. You can be a total catch and choose not to be in a relationship. If so, this article is not intended for you. But if you do want a relationship and can’t seem to figure out why you can’t get past date two, then read on.
First, let’s explore a theory on feminine and masculine energy, and how opposite energies attract.
Everyone possesses masculine energy and feminine energy and we fluctuate between both. However, there is one sphere that predominates. This energy is not determined by your sex or sexual orientation. Rather, it is determined by examining what our deep-rooted desires and needs are.
According to relationship expert Dr. Pat Allan, masculine energy dominant individuals want to be respected, to lead, and to take charge. They typically lead with their brain versus their emotions. They are the aggressors and the initiator in a romantic dynamic. Typically, masculine energy individuals are providers and protectors.
On the other side, feminine energy dominant individuals lead with their heart first. They feel that their needs are met when their feelings and emotions are tended to. These individuals take on a more passive approach to relationship initiation. They are happy to “go with the flow” instead of having to pave the way.
As mentioned above, your energy is constantly fluctuating depending on context, circumstance and who surrounds you, but one sphere is more dominant.
So let’s get back to why there appears to be an abundance of highly successful, go-getting, independent women who although on paper look like the perfect catch, can’t seem to find a suitable life partner. I’ll use myself as an example to shed some insight.
I am a career woman who has learned how to climb the corporate ladder and achieve professional success in a highly competitive, male-dominated industry. In order to survive and achieve in this environment, I’ve had to learn and cultivate many “masculine” skills.
The North American corporate environment rewards decisiveness, competitiveness and risk taking – which are traditionally ‘masculine’ characteristics. I’ve gotten really good at taking charge, being a planner, and looking after my team and vendors. I am decisive, assertive and go for whatever I want with tenacity and determination. This way of being has worked well for me in my career.
However, after playing this role constantly in my work environment, when I come home, I want to revert back to my natural state – which happens to be quite the opposite. I am naturally soft, I wear my heart on my sleeve and relish the times when do not have to be the decision maker and planner. I want to take a break from having to take charge and being the aggressor to make things happen.
But playing the part of the go-getting alpha in my corporate life doesn’t seem to turn off when it comes to my personal life. Through repetition and habit, I have a learned way of being where I live in my masculine energy. As a result, in the past, I’ve found that I would attract feminine energy men, and get extremely frustrated when they are passive or don’t take charge enough.
Even if a man is not necessarily feminine energy, when in a dynamic with such an overpowering masculine energy, a precedent is set. In my case, I would end up being the decision maker, planner, initiator and make-it-happener. I’ve noticed this happens with friends as well. I take on the role of masculine energy in the dynamic, and many friends will then take on the feminine energy, letting me make the decisions/plans, and they will sit back and just “go with the flow”.
When I meet powerful single women who are not having any success in the relationship department, I’ve noticed this same commonality. They want a masculine energy partner, but are attracting feminine energy men, and then complain about it (guilty). A lot of times, I’ve observed that these women come off more “hard” than soft, and approach relationships with the alpha, masculine energy they are accustomed to using in their professional life.
But it doesn’t work. Masculine energy attracts feminine. Feminine energy attracts masculine.
If you feel you’re in this situation. Here are a few suggestions that may provide perspective:
Determine your natural energy state
Are you naturally masculine or feminine energy? When you’re not in a professional setting, what do you desire and crave? To be the one in charge, to lead, to be respected for your mind and to be the pursuer? Or, do you crave the relief of not having to be the decision maker? Do you want to feel taken care of and have your emotions nurtured?
Determine what energy you want to attract
Get honest with your needs. Is masculine energy what you really want to attract? Or perhaps you just think you want this due to socialization, upbringing and other influences. Maybe you naturally live more in a masculine energy state, and therefore a feminine energy mate is a better fit. Ask yourself what type of energy you truly want to attract, and then play your role accordingly.
Play your role
If you want to attract masculine energy, then allow potential partners to play that role. Don’t set precedent of being the masculine energy and then expect the dynamic to switch once you’re in a relationship.
Of course, things will balance and you will fluctuate, but again, there is one state that predominates. If you are the one that is the aggressor, the person makes the plans and makes all the decisions in the dating process; you set precedent for the dynamic.
If you are masculine energy (or you just take on this state due to habit and training), I encourage you to soften up. Being “hard”, stubborn, stuck in your ways, not opening your heart and masking your human vulnerability will not open the doors to create a deep intimate bond with anyone. You may think that being hard is an indicator of strength, but this is an illusion. It takes incredible courage to be vulnerable and authentic. It takes tremendous strength to be love, and to be open to receiving love.
In no way am I suggesting for you to present a fake persona in order to attract someone. I’m simply suggesting you “relearn” you way of being. Peel back those layers of defense mechanisms and walls built from years of disappointment, pain or feeling rejected. When it comes to relationships, take off that shield that you’ve been rewarded for wearing in the workplace. Find your natural state of energy, and be honest with the type of energy you feel is a complimentary match to yours.
Amy Chan, Founder of www.JustMyType.ca