“He doesn’t get me.”
“He wants to support me, but just doesn’t know how.”
“He is so insensitive.”
“He can be so cold.”
“He thinks I’m crazy.”
“He says he doesn’t understand why I get emotional.”
It’s pretty safe to say most heterosexual women desire a strong, sensitive man who understands her complex emotions and who is someone agile enough to adapt and support her when things get rough.
Some men are more in tune with their emotions and have a higher degree of emotional intelligence, but they still need some guidance. The men I work with often want clarity when dealing with women’s emotional landscapes. Because no two people are the same it’s impossible for your partner to know how to navigate your inner world if you don’t give him clear directions– so give him a “how to” guide.
The masculine is designed to support, protect and has a primal urge to keep its loved ones safe. From a masculine point of view, when you are upset, deep down your man wants to fix it and make it better– and if he can’t he will likely feel as though he is failing.
When a man feels like he is failing he can become confrontational and impatient. So what may come across as anger towards you and your behavior is actually an inner frustration at himself for not knowing how to help. Feeling powerless with your partner will not create the conditions for happiness.
What is really empowering, is communicating your needs to your partner. Give him specific actionables he can take to ensure you feel supported, comforted and loved.
3 Steps To Help Him Support You Emotionally
- Assume Positive Intent: In heightened states of emotion this can be challenging to practice but the more you remember he is on your side the better you both will feel. As best you can in the heat of the moment remind yourself he means well and truly wants to help. You are both on the same team, he isn’t your enemy and underneath it all has your best interests at heart.
- Positive Reinforcement and Acknowledgement: Your partner doesn’t want you to be upset, hurt, sad or angry, they want to see you flourish, vibrant and happy. So when you are hurting it triggers the masculines desire to “fix” by giving lectures, advice and attempting to solve your problem. Often though, the feminine just wants to be heard and will find resolution just by talking it out. Remind him that you appreciate him trying to fix the problem, he is loved AND what you need is for him to just listen. Acknowledge him, assure him he is doing a good job and then ask for what you need.
- Clear Expectations: Set the stage for him to succeed by letting him know how you want to be treated, especially when you are feeling temperamental or emotional. Maybe you just want to be listened to, held, or left alone. Maybe what you need will change depending on the situation, whatever works for you let him know.
Men want clear guidelines and structure for how to handle situations. Lack of clarity and structure of how to navigate your needs, leads to increased frustration, combativeness and sometimes anger- because they feel like they are failing. He wants to win with you. By giving him all the information he needs to create success with you a win is inevitable.
If you aren’t receiving the results you want, likely you haven’t communicated in a way he understands. No one is at fault here, it just means you have different communication styles. Try amping up your communication and try new ways of clearly explaining your needs until you find your common ground.
At the very least focus on what he is doing well. So often couples get sucked into focusing on all of the aspects of their relationship that isn’t working. This type of energy won’t lead to harmony and success in love. Give what you want to receive. Give love. Give appreciation. Give acknowledgement. And you just might find your emotional support system thrives as a result.