The Latest Catch
  • Advice
  • Couple Goals
  • Research
  • Video
  • Dating Site
JOIN POF TODAY
551K
44K
0
835
15K
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Coming Soon
The Latest Catch
Join Plenty of Fish Today
The Latest Catch
  • Advice
  • Couple Goals
  • Research
  • Video
  • Dating Site
551K
44K
0
835
15K
  • Advice

Two Ways To Break Up Without Breaking Down

  • February 5, 2015
  • 3 minute read
  • Duana Welch
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

Kevin’s voice and hands shook as he told me how he yearned to break up with Sheila, his girlfriend of three years. The trouble was, the thought of leaving terrified him. He was beset by what-ifs: What if he didn’t find anyone else, or anyone better? What if he’d been with Sheila so long, he should just stay? What if he couldn’t make himself hurt her this way?

But the most important question of all was one he didn’t ask—and one we all need to. What if you stay with the wrong person?
Part of dating is hurting others—as painlessly as possible. How painlessly? And how worded? That depends in part on the seriousness of the relationship.

What to say

If you’ve just begun seeing someone, or you are turning down a first date, you can do it over the phone and say:
“Thank you for asking me, but I don’t feel like we’ve got enough in common” or, “Thanks so much, but I’m just not interested.”

And if it’s a more serious, longer-lasting relationship—like Kevin’s–, you can meet in person (unless you feel unsafe), and use this script:
“I’ve really enjoyed _____________ about you. But I don’t think we have enough in common to continue, and I don’t feel the way I’d need to for us to move forward together.”
Repeat either script as often as needed, like a broken record, until the break-up meeting is over.

Why this works

When I conducted a break-up survey that asked people, “What words would you most like [your partner] to use when they break up with you?” men and women of all ages and backgrounds overwhelmingly wanted honesty, but not brutality. Respondents strongly preferred their former date to say something worthy about them, and then to proceed to an honest but kind reason for the break-up. The most-desired reasons reflected the theme of a poor match: “It’s just not going to work out,” “I don’t think we’re right for each other,” “We don’t have enough in common,” and/or “We’re not a good enough match.”

Factually speaking, they’re on the right track for long-term happiness. Dozens of studies show that similarity is the best pathway to the widespread goal of a happy union. So saying, “I don’t think we have enough in common to continue” is not only clear and brief—it’s Truth, a reason deeply rooted in the reality of what makes for a happy permanent relationship. Other studies show that kindness in our actions is a rock-bottom requirement for happiness with anyone. So avoiding character assassination and focusing on our own feelings instead works. And bonus! This method is unassailable: You feel how you feel, period.

Did Kevin break up? You bet. And he told me the pain of worrying about it was far worse than how he felt afterwards; afterwards, he felt free to find a better match.
The price of finding the right one is bypassing every wrong one, including everyone who’s almost-but-not-quite what you need. Nobody ever said, “Thank you for settling for me!” Set yourself—and this other person—free.

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do (2015). This is a partial excerpt, copyrighted by the author. You can get a free chapter and read more at http://www.lovefactually.co

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Duana Welch

Dr. Duana Welch coaches clients globally who want more love in their lives. She is the author of Love Factually, the first book that uses science rather than opinion to guide men and women through every phase of dating. You can learn more and get a free chapter at www.LoveFactually.co

Previous Article
  • Advice

The Science Behind Why “Friends With Benefits” Doesn’t Work

  • January 29, 2015
  • Duana Welch
View Post
Next Article
  • Uncategorized

The 4 Perks Of Being Single On Valentine’s Day

  • February 6, 2015
  • Ruby Fremon
View Post

Subscribe

Tips to Your Inbox!

You May Also Like
Woman tossing out the trash walking across grass
View Post
  • Advice
  • Dating

Declutter Your Dating Life: What to Keep and What to Toss

  • April 24, 2022
  • Megan Clark
single parent with stroller on a date in the park
View Post
  • Advice
  • Dating
  • Research

Dating a Single Parent? Here’s How to Set Yourself Up For Success

  • March 21, 2022
  • Carly Johannson
two single women whispering advice to each other
View Post
  • Advice
  • Dating

Giving Advice to Your Single Crew: The How, Who, What, and When

  • March 17, 2022
  • Megan Clark
group of friends hanging out on their phones together
View Post
  • Advice
  • Dating

It’s Okay to Make Friends on Dating Apps. Here’s Why

  • March 3, 2022
  • Carly Johannson
two couples on a group date piggybacking
View Post
  • Advice
  • Dating

If You’re Not Going on Group Dates, It’s Time to Start

  • February 20, 2022
  • Megan Clark
young woman in the snow holding Valentine's Day love balloon
View Post
  • Advice
  • Dating

Hot Take: Valentine’s Day Should be About Love, Not Romance

  • February 6, 2022
  • Carly Johannson
man looking at phone regretting a text message
View Post
  • Advice
  • Research

This New POF Feature Will Stop You From Sending Messages You Regret the Next Morning

  • January 30, 2022
  • Carly Johannson
man sitting on the beach smiling looking happy
View Post
  • Advice
  • Lifestyle

New Year, Same You? Embrace It

  • January 16, 2022
  • Carly Johannson

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Plenty of Fish Live: Take dating to the next level
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJDMrHJ0zBo
No one has their sh*t together – Plenty of Fish (POF)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7QLrgJx8Nc
Minimum Message Length | Plenty of Fish (POF)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPUytYfzGTE
JOIN POF TODAY
551K
44K
0
835
15K

Subscribe

Get Tips to Your Inbox

Privacy PolicyTerms of UseCookie Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.

✗

Header

pre

post

No Thanks