Are you falling for people who come on too strong and then disappear without leaving a trace? Do you feel as though you are wasting your time on time wasters? Are you fed up of going on dates with guys who want to see you all the time, talk about future holidays, introduce you to their cousin, and then after an evening at theirs never texts you again?
In my ten years of working as a dating coach with men and women I have seen the affects ghosting can have on your confidence, and its time it stopped! I finally have the solution to spotting the time wasters before they ghost you. Here are three ways that will mean you will never be ghosted again.
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Stop rewarding bad behaviour
Your actions need to reflect how you’re actually feeling. It is all too tempting when a guy comes on strong, to jump to conclusions that he’s your Prince Charming before you’ve really got to know him. Then when he starts to back off, and you miss all those cute messages he was sending you, it can be tempting to start chasing him. Unfortunately this creates the dynamic that when he gives less, you give more.
Instead if you think he should be putting more effort in show him less attention to signal to him that you need him to step up.
If you find yourself over giving and emotionally exhausted by relationships take some time to write down a list of boundaries. Here’s some to get your list kick started:
- He has to make plans with you in advance, no more last minute date ideas.
- If he suggests meeting, you respond saying ‘yes’, then he doesn’t follow up to make a plan – not good enough.
- If he didn’t reply to your last WhatsApp but then sends you a random meme on social media – extra not good enough.
Cultivate your self esteem and don’t make your every thought about them just yet. If you get a lazy last minute date suggestion or a disrespectful message archive that chat and leave it a day or two before saying you are now busy. In doing this you may not have a date that night, but you uphold an important boundary. It is better to build a relationship on good foundations, and if he cares he will take note and make more of an effort. If he doesn’t you probably just avoided a ghost!
Keep your emotional investment in them equal to their time investment in you
Remember when you are just starting to date someone to take your time pacing the relationship. After a few dates where you really feel ‘the spark’ and if they look great on paper, it’s easy to get carried away and start imaging your future with them. Keep your feet on the ground now and remember people take time to get to know.
A really good indicator of genuine interest on their part is if they consistently invest their time in getting to know you. If someone runs hot and cold this is a warning sign; so make sure that rather than deciding on them right away you give them a ‘trial period’ to prove themselves to you. In the mean time keep prioritizing your friends, hobbies and everything else that builds your self worth and confidence. This will not only make you more attractive but it will stop you falling for someone who only has casual intentions with you.
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Never complain, never explain
Now if someone does disappoint you marginally as you’re getting to know them it can be tempting to sass them out, or try to reconnect with them, using what I like to call ‘the epic long WhatsApp message.’ This is where you pour your heart and emotions into a feature length, meticulously crafted message. The problem with this is, if they’re not giving much of their time and energy to you, this commits a lot of your time and energy to them. Sometimes a more powerful way of dealing with a disappointing dating situation, is to signal with your actions ‘that’s not good enough’. I would recommend taking your time to reply and if you do being a little indifferent. This should reflect your new mindset where you really start to put yourself first, you remember your standards, and you don’t reward bad behaviour with your valuable time and energy.
If you are done, done, done with ghosting and the perils of flakey modern dating I would love to give you some dating advice for confident women at my next workshop.