OMG Halloween is just a week away and I’m still wondering how the month of October crept up so fast! Who else feels this way? We must face it though and come to terms with the fact that a) we don’t have a costume and b) we don’t have Halloween plans…oh the tragedy!
“Why are you still single?” – is a commonly asked question that is essentially a backwards compliment. It implies “Wow, you’re great, why doesn’t anybody want you?”
The most common responses are:
“I just haven’t met anyone I have chemistry with.”
“The one I wanted got away.”
“All the good ones are taken.”
I think the best response would be, “None of your business!” The only person who needs to know the real reason you’re still single is you. But do you know? If you’re frustrated with being single and want to find a lasting relationship you need to honestly admit you may be doing something wrong. It starts with the choices you make.
4 Signs You’re Too Picky
- Your physical requirements for a partner are hard to find
Do you require a guy who towers over you, and you’re 5’9? Or require a girl who’s a size 2 and half your age? Maybe it’s someone with blue eyes, a full head of hair, or supermodel looks? If you do find someone who fits the exterior requirements do you ignore all the red flags and put up with bad behavior because you’re so physically attracted?
- Your behavioral expectations are non-flexible
Do you have strict rules and expectations for how your lover should treat you? Like needing a lot of attention, communication, affection, or other specific action? I’m not recommending you lower healthy boundaries, but if you can take care of your own needs and go with the flow a little more you’ll get a better response.
- You’re pining for a previous love and comparing everyone new to that ex
Don’t allow your past to prevent you from having a great future. If you’re still holding on to hope that the amazing relationship you once shared with an ex is going to come back you’re standing in your own way of happiness, and wasting precious time.
- You have a friend you think is amazing but you’re just not attracted to him/her
A lot of my clients tell me they have a friend that would be perfect for them if only they found them attractive. Well, your thoughts create your feelings.
Time passes more quickly as you get older and years can very easily slip away. Ask anyone you know who is over 45 and still single if they wish they had been less picky. Then ask yourself if you would rather be alone for a couple decades or even the rest of your life than share it with your best friend, having fun, creating a family, and loving their slightly less than ideal qualities. I’m not talking about settling, I’m suggesting to change your perception. Think about what causes you to feel positive or negative about everything. So if you think you may not be attracted to this wonderful person in front of you, play around with the idea that you could be. Fantasize about being together and having that chemistry you crave; you can create it.
The passionate first three to six months of any relationship are impossible to recreate on the daily. It’s after that elation ends that true love begins. If you’re tired of the roller coaster of finding that chemistry and losing it, start looking for your best friend.
If you are looking for love, chances are you’re hoping it will be a short process and you can find your partner asap. Just because last year may have been rough, doesn’t mean that it will repeat itself. So, with Valentine’s Day upon us, let’s look at 5 ways to break through the dating blues!
When we are motivated, purpose driven and flourishing in life, we give ourselves the chance to find happiness outside of a relationship. Becoming the best version of ourselves allows opportunities to invite the best person for us into our life. It’s time to stop putting all your energy into searching for love, and start dating yourself first. Work out what you really want this year, then set about achieving it.
After you have learnt to love yourself properly and have established your purpose, it’s now time to get active about finding love. This means getting outside your comfort zone and expanding your social circles. Online dating is all about creating opportunities to meet people who are in the same boat. Very rarely does love just turn up on your doorstep, you need to put the effort in to get the results.
Communication break-down is one of the top 3 reasons why relationships fail. It’s time to start talking and listening more. When we are open and honest about our intentions and feelings we are able to gain clearer responses from the person we are dating. Don’t be scared to address issues or discuss things that are close to your heart. Being able to talk freely with the person you love is integral to the health of the relationship.
LEARN FROM THE PAST
If you are constantly finding yourself in the wrong relationship or patterns, then it’s time to change your habits. What are you doing wrong? Where could you improve? Remember you are the common denominator. If you want change then you need to initiate it. Get educated on how to have healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Whether it’s a fear of missing out or a fear of failure, you need to remember that being committed to someone doesn’t signify something scary. Relationships are hard work, they require constant effort from both parties. Just because there are more options out there, doesn’t mean that you should give up straight away on what you have. Try to have a mindset that is committed to your promises and decisions when in a relationship. Likewise, sometimes you will have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, so if finding your special someone is the goal, stay consistent and committed to making it happen.
To all you ladies and gents feeling completely disheartened by your single status and wondering ‘why Mr/Ms. Right hasn’t come along yet’, let’s reflect on the best things about being single right now.
1. You don’t have to cook for anyone…like ever
If you want to order Pho, make soft boiled eggs, or have crackers for dinner, you can! Dinner is as informal as you’d like it to be, because the only stomach you need to feed is your own. I personally am no chef, which pairs nicely with my single status and perhaps yours as well.
2. The bed is all yours
My cat is the size of a small man, so this doesn’t apply to me; but for the rest of you, without fur babies, the whole bed is ‘your side’. How great is that!
3. You always have leftovers
#1 problem for couples: You’re just about to fill up Tupperware with the most delicious braised honey garlic chicken thighs, only to find your SO has devoured all the leftovers. I am DEVASTATED for you! When you’re single, this is never a problem. The cauldron of chili, you’re living off for the week, is still in the fridge when you get home. You didn’t even have to put a note with your name on it. Score!
4. The mess is your mess
I’ve been lucky in that I’ve dated really tidy men; however, I know some people haven’t been as fortunate. The beauty of being single and living on your own, is that the mess is only yours and if dishes are in the sink, they can stay there till the morning.
5. No shavings or makeup in the bathroom
The bathroom is finally yours! Single men, you can leave your shavings in the sink (If you do eventually want to date again, I advise you work on this) and single ladies, experience the freedom of spreading your makeup all over the vanity.
6. Toilet seat is always down
If you are female, I know you’ve felt the absolute horror of falling too far into the toilet, after your boyfriend left the seat up. Now you can rest easy, because that seat ain’t going anywhere but down. Single men, this point doesn’t really apply to you 😉 …as you were.
7. Spend as you wish
You can treat yourself now and not feel bad about it because the money you make, is all yours! “That’s a lovely bouquet of fresh flowers…and yes I will buy them.”
8. Alone time is actually great
If I want to lay in bed on Saturday till 1pm looking at #foodismylife on Instagram or creep Gigi Hadid for an hour, I can do it with no one asking why (true story). Maybe some call this a waste of time, but when you’re single, you can do whatever you want.
Enjoy it while you still can!
Pretty much every single girl, no matter how confident and fabulous, will reach a point of frustration in her dating career. A point of wondering, if she’ll ever find the right guy for her, and if he even still exists. Maybe all the guys she dates are weirdo’s, maybe she only goes for guys who don’t want her back…and, is inexplicably put off, by the ones who fall at her feet.
No matter what the scenario, it can be pretty tough to stay positive, and not give into that underlying fear that maybe, there’s no one…maybe you’ll end up alone…maybe all the good guys really are taken.
Take a deep breath and stop worrying! Many women have had these fears and made it out on the other side in relationships or happily married, including myself!
Here are a few important things to remember if you are single and frustrated:
There is a lid for every pot
Seriously, there is. Pretty much everyone finds their person, their “lobster.” You’ve probably dated some serious nut-jobs, for lack of a better adjective. The guys who you went out with and wondered, “who in the world would get into a relationship with that creep?” Then maybe one day you find out, that said creep, is now happily married! You may scratch your head and wonder how, but that’s not for you to figure out. The takeaway, is there is a lid for every pot!
For some, finding that lid is easy and may happen early in life. For others, it may take a touch longer. There are years of bad dates, of hope followed by rejected and renewed hope, and just when you’ve had enough…something clicks! The lid fits perfectly into place.
You can’t win them all
Probably the hardest and most frustrating aspect of dating is meeting a great guy, who has everything you want; a guy who you genuinely enjoy spending time with…and he doesn’t feel the same.
You take it personally, and think this means something about you. You wonder what you did wrong, why you weren’t “good enough.” It’s hard and it’s painful to digest, but it’s not personal. You simply can’t win them all and that is OK.
Sometimes, you’re simply not compatible. Try not to get deterred or jaded, just accept that he isn’t the right person for you and move on!
A relationship won’t cure you
If you’re single and frustrated, recognize that being in a relationship, won’t cure any deep rooted issues.
It’s a common trap to think everything will be OK, as soon as you find the right guy, but that is rarely the case. Whatever emotional weight you’re carrying, will just spill into the relationship, and instead of being personal problems, they will become relationship issues.
Take time to really work on yourself and get to a strong and confident place before you jump into a healthy relationship.
No relationship is better than a bad relationship
You cannot shove a square peg into a round hole. You can’t force someone to be what you want them to be. You can’t carry the team in a relationship and do all the work.
Many women make the mistake of sticking it out with a guy, trying to force a bad relationship into a good one, simply because they don’t want to be thrown back into the dating waters. They plug away for months, maybe years, forcing it to work. And in the end, they are usually left with a broken heart and wasted time they can never reclaim.
Being single and happy is much better than in a relationship and miserable. Don’t let your fears of being single for life, keep you trapped in a toxic relationship. This never ends well.
More than anything, it’s important to stay positive, as trite as this may sound. Take control of your thoughts. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself that you’re single, embrace it and enjoy this “me” time!
Men desire a positive woman. When you ruminate on negative thoughts, you project negativity. You may have a smile on your face, but the negativity will still surface through body language and attitude. Make an effort not to get down on yourself.
He’s out there and when the time is right, you’ll find each other!