“But we had such amazing chemistry!”
Have you ever found yourself saying this to a girlfriend after a man you really seemed to click with just…disappeared? It’s such a common experience: you finally meet a man you connect with, you get your hopes up, and then poof, he’s gone.
If you’ve been unsuccessful in love, then you can assume your “chemistry meter” is broken. We don’t need to get into the reasons why here (old childhood wounds, past heartbreak, etc); what we want to address is the now that you can do something about. So let’s get ready to change things for you…
THE CHEMISTRY ILLUSION
We women try to take this thing we call chemistry – even though it’s chemistry with a man who isn’t good for us – and we interpret that feeling as “wow, this is somebody, this is something.”
We mistake how good a date went for what a man is feeling. We guess that if there was chemistry and he showed interest, then he must be available, he must want a relationship, and he must want it with us! But we’re really just guessing all these things about a man we know almost nothing about.
What’s more, if you have strong chemical feelings for a guy right away, that’s an instant sign that something is wrong – this is the basis of codependency. You’re attaching a lot of meaning to very little substance and creating a fantasy. Chemistry is not a magic emotion: it is something that builds over time when you feel safe with someone and you build intimacy.
So if you can’t go by your chemical intuition, what can you trust? Follow a much simpler route:
GO BY WHAT A MAN DOES
How many hours and energy have you spent trying to come up with a reason for why a man doesn’t follow up? Well, there doesn’t have to be a reason. Trying to read a man is a useless thing. Men are pretty simple: they’re either into you, or they’re not.
You will save yourself so much pain and anxiety if you stop the detective work and instead become an observer – of what a man actually does. If a man likes you, he is supposed to call you and ask you out. If he likes you, he will follow up with you and keep asking you out. It’s really as simple as that.
Attach no meaning to the fact that you feel all this chemistry with a man unless he’s actually showing you with his actions that he’s moving things forward. And, so you don’t lose your mind while you’re doing that, there’s something incredibly powerful you should know about…
EXPAND YOUR IDEA OF DATING
An effective way to correct your chemistry meter is to do what I call Circular Dating. This means you date more than one man at a time until you have the commitment you want from the man who is right for you. And you do this by going out with guys you’re not necessarily attracted to but who are doing what they’re supposed to be doing – that is: calling you, following up with you, and asking you out.
Passion comes from something inside you (not from some guy), and then when you feel safe with someone, you let it out. You’ll be surprised by how passionate some of these guys you’re not initially head over heels for can be…if you give them a chance.
If you think you feel so much chemistry for the men who leave you hanging, just imagine what you can experience with a man who truly cares for you, cherishes you, and does what a man is supposed to do when he’s into you!
To learn how to do Circular Dating, step by step, subscribe to Rori’s free e-newsletter. You’ll discover a whole new way to relate to a man – from the moment you meet him all the way through commitment and marriage – so that you finally have the secure, loving, lasting relationship you’ve always wanted.