I used to go on multiple dates with guys I just wasn’t into. Since I was looking for more than just a casual fling, my thinking was that over time, and as we both become more comfortable with each other, he would grow on me. This would typically end with an awkward conversation over the phone and my own feelings of disappointment that he wasn’t the guy I had hoped for. Given this repeated outcome, I decided to change things up.
Today my happy medium is a balance of not writing anyone off too early and asking myself 3 pertinent questions after that second date (that determine whether I would accept a third date, if given the opportunity). The purpose of asking these questions is to gauge whether there is in fact compatibility and long term potential with this person rather than leaving it all up to a ‘feeling’, a ‘connection’, a ‘zaza zoom’. If you are in search of a great guy, not just a great date, and don’t want to waste your time, I challenge you to do the same. Here are the three questions you need to ask yourself before agreeing to a third date.
Side note: Unless there is a very good reason (he was rude, he lied or he comes up to your chin), I always recommend a second date. If you liked him enough to go out with him once, you will likely like him enough to go out with him a second time.
1. Are your core values inline (based on what you know so far)?
It’s important to note that this question is one that will continue to be answered over time. Someone’s values can be easily articulated, but the only way you can truly understand someone’s values is by observing and listening to their priorities, morals and ethics. This takes time. With that said, it’s still possible to ask yourself the question, even with limited information. For instance, you may have the urge to rip his clothes off, but if you value family and want one of your own one day, and he doesn’t, he is a waste of your time. Similarly, if you prioritize travel and adventure and he’s never stepped foot outside of the country, with no plans or desire to, this will likely cause problems down the road.
2. Do you want to be around him?
Although, I believe it’s never a good idea to purely chase butterflies, it is important to feel attraction towards the person you’re dating. On the first date, nerves may get in the way, but by the second date, you should start to feel a tinge of “Oh, I like being around you!” Rather than asking yourself if you have a connection or chemistry (because after two dates, it’s probably just the wine talking) be aware of what your body is trying to tell you; When you sit down at the restaurant, do you choose the farthest seat from him or the closest? Do you find excuses to touch him throughout your date, or avoid them? When he brushes by you, do you abruptly move back, or welcome the brief moment of physical closeness? Maybe it’s not his cute dimples, his height or the smell of his cologne that you like. Maybe you’re attracted to his sense of humour, his endless philosophical questions or his curiosity and stories of travel. The point is, there’s something about him that you’re drawn to. You enjoy being in his physical company.
3. Is he interested in you?
Despite whether your values are in line or you enjoy being around him, if he isn’t showing a natural interest in getting to know you, there isn’t much point in agreeing to continue dating. It may be that he’s only interested in something casual or already knows you aren’t the one, but is looking to fill his free time with the company of a woman. A few questions you may want to ask yourself: Does he look at you when you’re speaking? Does he call or text when he says he will? Does he ask you out? Does he ask you questions about yourself? If the answers are yes, then proceed. But if you’re not sure about a few of these, seriously ask yourself if you want to waste your time with someone that isn’t all that into you. If he’s into you, you will know.