Should I get back with my ex? If this is a question currently looming in your mind, you’ve come to the right place to gain some clarity. There are a few questions you should probably ask yourself before heading straight into a relationship, that has already ended once (or maybe even twice) before.
Instead of getting wrapped up in the romance of sparking an old flame, it’s important to slow down and ask yourself a couple of important questions to identify whether or not this relationship is actually one you want to invest in.
5 Important Questions to Ask Yourself Before Reuniting With An Old Flame
Question #1: “How many times have we broken up?”
If this is the second or third time your relationship has ended, it’s probably a good indication there shouldn’t be a third or fourth attempt at making things work. There are probably a number of very good reasons why it ended the first two times. The saying “third time’s a charm”, doesn’t apply to every scenario. If you’re like me, and love a good visual to understand the big picture, grab a piece of paper and write down why you and your partner broke up in the first place and assess the severity of the situation.
Question #2: “How long have we been apart for?”
Have you and your ex had enough time to self-reflect since the initial breakup? Have you had time to live your life as single people and become comfortable with this new status? This is important, because after a break up, loneliness creeps in fast and you fall back to texting your ex because it’s comfortable and your “normal” routine. These habits are hindering you from moving on. You’re tossing all the negative to the back of your mind, in hopes that something will be different this time around. This often results in getting back together quickly, only to break up within a month, resulting in double the resentment toward the other. By eliminating the time apart, you’ve also giving yourselves no time to miss one another and think about all the positives you may have had in your relationship.
Question #3: “Why did we break up in the first place?”
Was it because you were too young when you started dating and didn’t want to commit? Did your morals and values not align? Was the sex really good but the conversation was non-existent? Was one of you unfaithful? Are you looking for the same future with kids, marriage etc?
Some of these carry more weight than others. If your foundational values and goals for the future don’t match up, it’s going to be very hard to make your relationship work. You want to seek out someone who also wants kids, and marriage if these are really important to you. Do not compromise on life milestones, or it will only build resentment towards your partner who didn’t want any of these things. One of the most confusing breakups is when nothing really happened to cause it – no fight, no blow up, you just didn’t quite fit as a couple. This is where we find ourselves thinking “hmmm, maybe I should give that a go again…” Chances are if you didn’t feel chemistry the first time around, it’s not going to magically appear the second time. Chemistry should come naturally and if you’re forcing it with a partner, your relationship will feel more like a chore. You both want to be with people who bring out the best in you and who love you for who you are.
If one of you has been unfaithful in the past, it’s going to take time to heal from a situation like that. If you’re having a hard time trusting your partner, it’s a good idea to take your time and really consider whether trust can be restored. Seeking counselling is always a really great option as well when faced with this kind of betrayal.
Question #4: “Have I or they made any positive and healthy lifestyle changes since we last dated?”
Knowing why you broke up in the first place is a crucial step to bettering yourselves. Perhaps you adopted habits that each other found irritating or unforgivable at the time, that caused the initial breakup. Have you or your ex made strides in correcting certain habits or building on healthy lifestyle choices, that have resulted in positive changes in one another? This could very well be all you needed to understand how to make it work between you two.
Questions #5: “Why do I want to get back together with them?”
If your answers consist of – because I’m lonely, or I miss them, you have to reevaluate why you miss them. Is it just having someone around that makes you feel better about yourself and less lonely? Or are you genuinely in love with this person and will ultimately regret not trying to make it work a second time? It’s important to distinguish whether you just miss the idea of someone vs. actually wanting to be with them in the future. Do they show signs that they’re still in love with you as well, and are open to getting back together, or is it only one-sided? If it’s one-sided, you have to understand that the relationship is over for the other person and that it’s important you move on as well.
If you have any questions to add to this post, I’d love to hear them! You can comment below.