We have all probably gone out on a first date that turned out to be the first and the last, despite our expectations. It’s a lousy situation and can leave you feeling disappointed, especially if the other person decided to ghost you.
Here, I list three potential reasons why you’re not getting a second date, and what can you do to improve your success!
The conversation was mediocre
Do you know the song “Girls just want to have fun?” The song is correct, girls do indeed want to have fun, and especially when it comes to dates. And guys do too. In fact, nobody goes out on a date and expects to have a boring, blasé, and awkward conversation which they could have had with Craig from work, or with an uncle at a family dinner.
And sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes the date just doesn’t flow the way it should for it to be labeled “fun”. The conversation is not smoothly shifting from one topic to another, and there is not enough spontaneity, humor, and flirting.
There are plenty of reasons why fun sometimes eludes couples on their first date. They can be boiled down to insecurity, lack of experience, social and emotional intelligence. And they manifest in a person struggling to make conversation and making it awkward; and thus creating nervousness and boredom on the date.
Sometimes people treat dates like a job interview, and they cite their past accomplishments, where did they go to school or where they see themselves in five years. There is nothing wrong with talking about your school or your work, but if the tone of the conversation is too logical, and there is not enough playful energy – there is a fair chance you’re not getting a second date.
Furthermore, one of you may be talking way too much, and thus resulting in a mediocre one-way conversation. It takes two to tango, and a great discussion also involves shutting up and listening to the person in front of you.
Emotional intelligence includes relating to another human being, and sometimes, people are fun and energetic, but they lack compassion and empathy. Misreading when to be fun and when to have a normal conversation can also be the difference between making it to the second date or not.
Let’s recap what we just covered. The conversation was mediocre on the date could be due to one or many of these reasons:
A) Insecurity – you or they treated the date like a job interview
B) Didn’t ask a single question – you or they were talking way too much creating a one-way conversation. Did you learn anything about your date?
C) Misread the audience – Perhaps your date was sharing a personal story and you added a joke to lighten the mood but it was not the right time or place.
You tried a little too hard to win them over
Being needy is repelling. Forcing things too fast oftentimes signal neediness to the other person, and it’s definitely one of the most common red flags in dating.
There is obvious neediness which can result in over complimenting and talking about future plans too early, and texting too much too soon. If you go out on the first day and act overzealous, start mentioning things like “We HAVE to take a trip there” or even worse, ”you have to meet my mom” – you’re most likely not getting a second date.
There is also subtle neediness like wanting to hear another person’s approval about things, and over qualifying and extending yourself just to make things work. Perhaps your date says “I love hiking” and even though you’ve never stepped foot on a mountain you say “oh I do too!” Don’t forget that most people aren’t looking to date themselves, they’re usually looking for a partner who is confident and has their very own unique hobbies and qualities.
Or perhaps your date says “I tend to date book worms” and then you immediately start qualifying yourself by telling them all the books you’ve read from high school to college.
Lastly, when someone cancels on you a few times, and doesn’t reschedule, but you still go out of your way to see them and accept all of their time changes and cancelations without objecting, can come off as quite needy.
Let’s recap what we just covered.
You may have tried too hard to win them over by doing the following things:
A) Planning your future – Take your time and enjoy getting to know one another before talking about future travel plans together on a first date.
B) Conforming to what they like – Just because your date is passionate about something, doesn’t mean you have to share that same hobby/interest. Embrace your uniqueness and share what you like to do in your spare time.
C) Not respecting your own time – If someone keeps cancelling on you, they’re not worth your time. Respect your time and find someone who is willing to do the same.
You were too honest
This one can also fall into the category of too fast, too soon. When first meeting a person, being open and honest about yourself is a good thing. Showing off and pretending that you are somebody who you really are not – can blow up in your face sooner or later. If you are a Chris Rock fan, maybe you know his quote – “When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them, you’re meeting their representative.”
Everybody spices things a notch or two when they are dating, and that’s expected and normal, as long as you don’t go overboard with ‘representing’. On the other end of the spectrum, there are the ” dirty laundry on the first date” people.
While being honest is good, being too honest can be a bit too much, and it can scare off a person who is on a date with you. Telling them all about your past, your emotional baggage, failed relationships, family, or health problems on the first date are a couple of examples of this behavior.
Those people have the mindset “I better tell them everything right away if they find these things later they might leave, and we have both wasted time.” In a way, this kind of thinking is noble, but it’s also shooting yourself in the foot.
Because nobody is perfect and everybody has a past, and yours might not be that terrible as it seems. But it’s not ideal if you lay all your dirty laundry before the drinks have even arrived.
Dating is all about balance, don’t do too much or too little of anything, and you should be fine.
Recap: You were a bit too honest in your conversation.
A) TMI – Too much information upfront can hinder your first date and kill the vibe immediately. It’s probably best to avoid the topic of exes and past relationships on a very first date. Remember, this person has never met you before and if the first thing you talk about is your ex, it’s not a great first impression.
It’s not about you at all
Sometimes you won’t be getting a second date, and it won’t be because of any of the above. Timing is one of the most important aspects of dating, and if the timing is not right, you can do everything well and still strikeout.
The person you started dating can get a promotion and go away for two months, their ex can call, and they can decide to move back with them, and countless other things that you don’t control.
Also, you simply may not share a romantic spark or chemistry with the person you’re out with. You’re both really great people, just not ideal together and this happens, so don’t get down on yourself.
If you don’t get a second date, that’s life and it’s okay. It’s a bit of a cliché but it’s as true as ever: There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
You can read more great dating advice here from Dating Coach Michael Valmont